- lisherbug87
- Sep 23, 2023
- 9 min read
Updated: Sep 24, 2023
"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears." - John Vance Cheney
Last night, I had the privilege of painting at the altar during worship night at my church. When an opportunity like that arises, one of the first questions many ask themselves is, “What am I gonna paint?” Sure enough, that was my question, but I remembered one thing. The Holy Spirit would lead me just as He always does.
On Wednesday, September 13th, my sister sent me two pictures of a rainbow which had followed the end of a storm. I replied, “It’s really funny that you messaged me a picture of that because I bought these stickers when I was at the beach and just picked them up earlier because I wanted to put them on my laptop to remind me of Stevie.” Along with the message, I sent her a picture of three rainbow stickers I had purchased at the end of August during vacation in Cape Hatteras, NC.
On Sunday, September 17th, a painter whose class I had attended months prior messaged our group chat asking if we would like to take part in the opportunity to paint during worship night. The following day, I attended Celebrate Recovery at my church. As I was standing in line to get dinner, I looked up only to see a man in front of me wearing a blue shirt with the words "You Are Not Alone" along with a picture of a rainbow on the back. I knew Stevie was with me even when I didn’t feel it. As we broke down into our small groups to share, a friend mentioned a rainbow appearing during a storm and how despite darkness, there’s always something positive to look for. It wasn't a coincidence.
On the morning of Stevie’s passing, a double rainbow appeared above my house and a loved one captured it. Since then, his loved ones have seen rainbows over, and over, and over again. I know with all certainty that I have witnessed more rainbows since his passing than I have seen in my 35 years prior to losing him. Exchanging photos of rainbows among his family and friends has become our motivation to continue on. It lets us know he is here and reminds us that there will be beauty following this storm.
When Stevie took his own life, he was expecting a child whose sex hadn’t been determined yet. Steven William Marcus Allen graced this world with his presence on May, 30th, 2023. For me, it was by far one of the happiest and saddest weeks since Stevie’s passing. On July 26th, I posted a photo of baby Steven along with the quote, “After Every Storm There is A Rainbow”. He has without doubt been our rainbow after such a fatal storm.
Earlier this year, a local teacher mentioned that she had asked her grade school students how many had heard the story of Noah’s Ark. Only a few raised their hands. When I heard that, I immediately thought of the rainbow and it saddened me that such a small amount of children knew of God’s goodness. God laid it on my heart to organize a Children’s Bible drive and distribute them to children and youth in need. While organizing it along with my friend Holly, I told her I often wonder how suicide rates would decrease if more children and youth knew just how much God truly loves them. I have no hesitation when saying that knowing God at a young age is the reason I am alive today. I clung to Him with every ounce of strength and I want to share His love with every other child who may struggle, especially with their mental health. We gathered well over 150 Children’s Bibles that are still making their way into the hands of children and youth in need. If only one life is saved through my act of obedience, the given task has been accomplished. However, I know the angels will rejoice at the amount of children and youth who accept God into their hearts and I know it will be far more than just one. Whether they are saved from suicide or saved for eternity, that is what truly matters to me.
The night prior to paint and worship, I sat on my bed looking through a study Bible that someone had donated. Reading through Genesis, I came to the part about Noah. Below Noah’s name were bullet points with facts about him and what God had called him to do. It started with, “A rainy day will cause adjustments…”, then told about how God commanded Noah to build an ark which called for life adjustments. The next bullet tells how Noah received nothing but jeers and ridicule from his “friends”, how they scoffed at him, mocked him, and called him crazy all because he was doing what God told him to do. Noah even hoped he was hearing God correctly. Since making my promise to Stevie and stepping out to share my testimony and Stevie’s story openly, I have also experienced some of those things just as Noah had. I don’t care though because I am not stepping out to please another human being, I am stepping out to please the one who saved my life and who is changing the lives of others through my willingness to be obedient.
Continuing on, the words say how Noah had never thought of himself as being very good, but God had. This has been my biggest struggle with accepting God's calling for my life. Sometimes I still question being good enough but God knows me just as He knew Noah. He knows I believe and have faith. Noah’s faith had led him to an experience with God, just as mine has. A passage says, “Noah’s words were not empty and hollow; rather, his words were a direct outpouring of his life. Noah also realized that anyone or anything that did not get on the ark was sure to suffer God’s judgment - that meant his friends and relatives.” The passage also describes how Noah was likely left in tears by the screaming of his loved one's drowning outside the ark. He would even ask, “Why is God doing this?” The same question I've asked more than once after I received the dreaded phone call of my nephews suicide. I just didn’t understand. Noah thought, “When would this rain end?” and I know many of us are wondering the same. When will the pain and sadness from this loss go away? When will we not beat ourselves up, feel guilty, or continue seeking answers to questions that may forever go unanswered? Noah wondered, would God even remember him and his family, or would the rain eventually swallow them just as it had others? For some time after Stevie’s passing, I had wished that the rain would swallow me. The waves were simply too much and some days, they still are.
Then one day on the ark, there was silence. Noah saw the dawning of a new day and later a rainbow stretched across the sky. It was the sign in which he awaited so long for. The rainbow was a sign that God had remembered him and his family and would never destroy the earth by flood again. Signs of new life were everywhere, just as I’m beginning to see. Approximately 8 people have confirmed openly that Stevie’s death has led them back to Christ or has led them to give their life to Him for the first time. Three friends who highly struggle with their mental health and suicidal thoughts have mentioned that Stevie’s death and experiencing my pain alongside me has kept them from taking their own life. One death. Eleven lives saved.
The last bullet regarding Noah’s calling says, “Like any rainy day since, new life comes after the rain has gone. Rain is the source of the newness of life. God is the source of rain. For Noah, only faith in God brought new life.” With God’s grace, a new life came after Stevie’s passing. His son. Twelve lives saved. New life has also come to those being led to Jesus through my nephew's death. Stevie sacrificed his life which ultimately saved others. In life and in death, my nephew saved so many, including myself. His suicide led me back to the one I needed so much yet had drifted away from. I knew only a massive God could walk me through such a loss, especially a loss surrounding mental illness that I was all too familiar with.
Paint and worship night came, and I was confident on what I’d paint. Well, almost confident. The light blue and dark blue on my painting signifies a storm, as well as my tears. It also reminds me that Jesus weeps with me in my most difficult times. The rainbow reminds me that new life will be born in ways far beyond anything that my mind can grasp. Reaching the last color of my rainbow, I ran out of the color I needed to mix, so I worked with what I had left. There was no way I was going to walk in front of the congregation just to grab a bottle of paint. I’ll pass. As I painted the last color on my canvas, it’s as if the only thing I could focus on were the words repeatedly coming from the worship team. Nothing but the blood. The blood of Jesus is not something that I had planned as part of my painting and honestly, hadn’t even been a thought. It was at that moment in which I realized that only the blood of Jesus can save us from the darkness that consumes us.
At the end of each blog entry, I include a song relating to the topic I’m writing about. This morning when I was pulling into my driveway, I said, “God, please give me a song for this blog post.” I was clueless when thinking about which song to use because all I had running through my mind was a rainbow. I wasn’t thinking about the storm. As I laid on my couch aimlessly scrolling through t-shirts to purchase, the words “you are a fortress for the weak” popped into my head. I couldn’t remember the name of the song that those lyrics had come from but I knew I had heard it previously and loved it. I googled, “you are a fortress for the weak, you are the refuge I seek”, hoping that those were even the words that followed. The song is Shalom by Bridge Worship. I couldn’t remember all the words to the song so I truly wasn’t sure if it was God responding to my request or just my mind randomly throwing it into my head. The song doesn’t mention a rainbow, but it does…well I’ll just let you listen to it. He never lets me down. I asked for a song and He provided for me just as He always does.
Though my nephew's death has been extremely difficult on me and those who loved him, I know wholeheartedly that God will bring about a rainbow following this storm. Just as this song says, You are not afraid of this battle; You are still at rest in every storm, the wind and crashing waves, they bow to what You say. Since this tragedy, God has calmed my storms and has given me rest far beyond what I’ve asked for. Struggling with my own mental health issues, I often find myself telling others that I have no clue how I’ve gotten through this. Then I follow with saying that it’s only God who has gotten me through. Though we may not feel Him during the difficult moments in life, He is a fortress for the weak and He is the refuge that we must seek. He will take us under His wings and provide us with peace during life’s challenges.
I know that many may feel broken right now and possibly not even sure if you believe God exists. If there’s anything that I’ve learned throughout my walk with God, it’s that He doesn’t turn away from what’s broken. In fact, He does the complete opposite. He loves and cherishes the broken. The down and out. Those who question and have doubt that He exists, especially during a tragedy such as this. God holds the broken. He has held onto me my entire life even in moments when I didn’t feel it. I have prayed approximately 20 years for a breakthrough with my mental health and I’ve finally received it. That doesn’t mean that I’m totally healed. It means that God has provided me with the tools, physicians, and His people who have gotten me to this place of stabilization. He is putting the pieces back in place.
God is longing to restore the broken and you may be among those He wishes to restore. My therapist spoke something to me that will last a lifetime. He said something such as, “You may be the only Jesus that someone ever encounters.” I want Jesus to shine through me so He’s able to reach and save others. God has brought me much further than I could have ever imagined and I will forever give Him the glory for that. He wasn’t afraid of my brokenness and He isn’t afraid of yours either. I can’t help but worship the one who has saved my life, time and time again. I will continue to trust Him and stand firm on His promises. I will watch Him continue to move mountains because I know He can and will. I believe He will see me through just as He has done since childhood. If there has ever been a time where I've needed guidance and held under the wings of my Father, it’s been since 11:29pm on October 24th, 2022. The night I essentially lost my nephew. He has walked with me through deep waters and has always had my hand even when the storm tried to consume me. God keeps His promises. Learn His promises and trust that He will come through. My nephew's death has been by far the most difficult loss I’ve experienced in this lifetime, but I know God will follow through on what He says He’ll do. I have all faith that not a single rainbow will come, but a double one, just as the morning of Stevie’s passing. James 4:2 says, “You have not because you ask not.” God has heard my every prayer and continues to bless me with many rainbows. He will bless you with rainbows too. ♥️🌈
“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born,” says the Lord.” - Isaiah 66:9
