Be Still, and Know

"Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything." - Unknown

I added this blog title to a blank google doc on July 23, 2023. A few days ago, I finally began this entry. If I’m being quite honest, I don’t know how to be still, so it’s been virtually impossible to write about something that I’ve always struggled with immensely. 

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know that I am God.” What does that mean to you? Is it just a piece of scripture that you’ve memorized and so easily rehearse to others when they are having a difficult time? It’s easy to give advice and suggest for others to be still in the moment and trust God during the silence and heartache but yet I seem unable to do it myself. Oftentimes, I feel as if I barely hang on by the hem of His garment.

I can’t be still and trust God because I fear losing control. Control of the situation, control of another person's actions, and control of my life. The list could very well go on if I could actually be still long enough to think about it. What if the situation doesn’t turn out the way I want? What if I have no control over the outcome? What if Gods plan is painful? What if? Two words that very seldom leave my mind. 

My entire life I’ve battled with fear and losing control…but why? Take a moment to ask yourself, just as I have done. It’s never easy to dig deep and most times it feels better to just not face our own issues, shortcomings, or to actually admit to ourselves that we hurt or truly aren’t as strong as we seem to be. The thought of losing control of a situation only leads us to a state of fear, panic, lack of trust, loss of faith, and makes it extremely difficult to believe that God even cares about or loves us. But what if losing control is exactly what God wants for us? Perhaps His plan is for us to lose control so He can prove that He is in control and that we need not try to be. 

Have you ever had an extremely difficult season (or seasons) in life where you see no way out? And that nothing good could possibly come from the situation regardless of how much you’ve tried to control it? God has proven to me time and time again that He is faithful, just as He says… but when the next trial comes, I suddenly seem to forget how He walked me through every fire prior. Satan is real and is very much at work, especially in my head and maybe yours as well. Satan desires that we lose faith, lack trust, and give up hope, simply because living in fear and “white knuckling” control keeps us in bondage…exactly where he wants us. 

Why do we find it so hard to believe that God is for us and that we can trust Him with every aspect of our lives? Why do I find it so hard to believe that God is for me and that I can trust Him with every aspect of my life? I’ve recently made an internal discovery and I’ll explain why I have difficulty believing that God truly does love me and that I can trust Him. 

A portion of John 8:44 says, “He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” Satan…the father of lies. After discovering my issues with fear and control, God asked me a question which opened the door to a lifetime of buried bones. His question was, “Alicia, why do you not trust me?” My answer to His question was heavy. That very night, I took pen to paper and finally discovered the truth. 

Throughout my life and beginning at a young age, seeds of fear and distrust have been planted in my heart. Lies intertwined with constant chaos, life became like a jigsaw puzzle, constantly digging through lies in an attempt to find the truths. With that, I've gained a distorted perception a man's love that has unfortunately and unknowingly carried over into my spiritual life. Father, Son, & Holy Spirit. A masculine Trinity. I’ve forever lived in fear that He’s the same as them. What type of love have you received from men throughout life? Do you assume God offers an identical love? If I already have a strong distrust in earthly masculinity, how am I to trust, with my life, the unseen masculinity in three different forms? It’s so difficult for me to not doubt. Trusting God removes control from my hands, even though I have no control to begin with. Unknowingly comparing God to worldly masculinity has been one of my greatest battles and I continue to pray that someday, such a stronghold will break. It often feels as if Satan has had me in chains since birth and it’s been virtually impossible to escape. I’ve so easily believed the lies of the enemy because I’ve spent such a large portion of my life being led to believe countless lies as constant truths.

An article based around John 8:44 reads, “Lying is Satan’s primary weapon against God’s children. He uses the tactic of deceit to separate people from their heavenly Father. Some of his more common lies are “there is no God,” “God doesn’t care about you,” “the Bible cannot be trusted,” and “your good works will get you into heaven.” The apostle Paul tells us that Satan “masquerades as an angel of light”, so that what he says and does sounds good and seems reasonable. But it is nothing more than a false appearance.” The deceit is enough to drive anyone mad. I am the target, and his lies are the ammunition. 

Last year, Psalm 46:10 began coming to me in various forms. In my stubborn nature and not sure what to believe, I wrote this blog title on a google doc and pushed it aside. Was God really trying to get my attention in July of 2023? Was He really trying to tell me something? Perhaps I truly did need to just Be Still. I bought a shirt around the same time that said, “Be Still and Know”. Shortly after, I was driving to the vet and the song “Be Still and Know” by Housefires began playing from an Apple Music station. I skipped it. I wanted to hear a song that I was familiar with, and that song wasn’t one of them. However, it did strike me in an oddly weird way, as that scripture seemed relentless at grabbing my attention. With Max in the car, I sat at the entrance waiting to exit the parking lot. I glanced to the right only to see a sign that said, “Be Still and Know”. Our God is not a coincidence type of God. He is a relentless God and knowing my nature, He wasn't and isn't giving up on me.

This scripture has continued to cross my path since then and even more so recently while uncovering internal issues among never ending trials. I’ve learned that oftentimes God will place difficult situations in front of us so that we must come to a standstill and have nowhere else to turn. Only then can He redirect us to a place of stillness. A place to trust only in Him. When I find myself battling scenarios and doubts in my mind, I continue to hear God speak the words, “Alicia, why do you not trust me?” I have no doubt that what seems like immovable mountains have been placed in my path to stop me, simply to give me no other option…but to be still. Among the constant frustrations, internal battles, and never-ending doubt, I continue to do what is most difficult for me. Trust. Exodus 14:14 tells me, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” So, I’m trusting Him. 

Do you find it difficult to trust God in your doubting moments despite how many times He has already proven to be faithful? As I glance over my life, there has never been a single moment where God has failed or proven Himself to be unfaithful. But yet, I still wrestle with doubt, anxiety, fear of losing control, and being let down. I still fear, question, and wrestle with every reason as to why He won’t come through this one time. I am the lamb with wobbly legs, and He is the good shepherd. Father, help me to walk by faith and not by sight. Keep me still until I am able to heal and fully trust in You.

In July of 2023, God wanted my attention and I failed at being receptive. Today, that same scripture has become my anchor. Below is a picture I painted last week. When I am consumed by trials, I look at my painting. The blood dripping cross is a constant reminder of just how big God is, as well as His capability to overcome what I see as impossible. Above all, He wants me to Be Still, AND Know. Not only does He call me to be still, but He also calls me to know. To know that He is a good God and that I can trust Him. This song says it so perfectly. How could I ever forget? There’s too much evidence all around me, all around me, all around me. You surround me with the evidence of Your faithfulness. I will never ever ever forget. I will be still and know. 

Peace. Sweet Peace.

"The devil wouldn't be attacking you so hard if there wasn't something valuable in you. Thieves don't break into empty houses." - Matthew McConaughey

I don’t know where to begin and my mind has been quite a mess. It’s so hard to find the words even after asking God for help. I can’t escape my head most days lately and my hours have been surrounded with panic. Satan loves to torment the ones who are on the verge of drawing others to Gods kingdom and I’m confident in that assumption.

Isolation has been my hobby recently and I seem too anxious to even be content with that. I have anxiety about my anxiety, and I despise it. I haven't wanted to leave my house and I’m sure the enemy isn’t upset about that. Why would he be? Once again, He’s had me right where He wants me…but so does God.

Today is much better but my anxiety and panic attacks sometimes become debilitating, so much that I don’t want to get out of bed, drive, or go anywhere outside of my house for that matter. This is not new to me and honestly, I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that it’s not new because now, I know there’s help (and hope), even when I feel helpless and finding peace feels hopeless.

My panic attacks began around the age of 16 and have come and gone countless seasons since. Some seasons of life are bearable with medication then there are times where my panic disorder is hard to touch. I’d much rather live my life completely without fear, but it’s inevitable for some of us. Once you’ve experienced this, it’s difficult to not have anxiety at the thought of future anxiety and/or panic attacks. That’s what I mean when I say, I have anxiety about my anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle that the enemy will use to control you for life if you allow him to.

I became a professional at allowing the enemy to attack my mind, just knowing there was no way out. Lies. Lies are from the enemy. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Truth. Truths are from our Heavenly Father. Believing the truth of Gods word is virtually impossible when your mind is consumed by the lies of Satan. His strength is unimaginable but so is Gods and for that, my heart is grateful. Isolation becomes easy when Satan makes us feel as if we aren’t good enough, that we will never measure up, and as if we will never escape our chaotic mind. His lies convince us that we may very well lose our minds and that freedom is impossible. He creates pathways in our brains where spiraling thoughts ruminate. We may eventually feel that we are better off non-existent, and that God doesn’t love people “like us”. Are you someone who has believed these lies? Me too. Sometimes I still do.

In the past, I’d allow the lies of the enemy to devour me because I was unaware just how much God loved me. Satans conniving tactics overpowered any rational thoughts that my mind had left. I had no outlets besides food. I was afraid. I was alone inside my own head. I felt hopeless. Some days, these all still apply. But God. He continues to walk ahead of me as we approach the front lines of the battlefield. With His arms stretched out, He guards me as a father would so that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. The fiery arrows cannot touch me. When the terrors of the night set in, I feel His angels all around me. I rest underneath the shelter of His mighty wings and it's there where I find hope in His promises.

The enemy doesn’t want me in church, around Gods people, or doing Gods work for that matter. He knows God has great plans for my life and is going to use me for His glory and nothing terrifies Satan more. The sad reality is some people in this exact battle may not know Gods love for them and that Satan is an amazing manipulator. One whose lies can be so easily believed. If the enemy is sly enough to appear as a serpent, imagine what other lengths he will go. He’s a narcissist and that’s not easily recognizable to those who have been surrounded by narcissistic behavior for most of their lives. It’s an easily accessible door into our minds that we aren’t able to hide behind. The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy and he’s out to accomplish mission.

Thoughts not of love, are not from God. I’ve had to retrain my brain to believe those words and I have to constantly remind myself of that truth. Our God is a God of peace. He’s not a God of fear, anxiety, depression, and chaos. When the enemy attacks, I will revisit the quote at the beginning of the entry. Thieves don’t break into empty houses. A thief only wants what is of value. That’s me. That’s you. A quote by Charles Spurgeon says, “Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.” Consider it. Precious am I. Precious are you.

Lately, when I wake in the night and my thoughts are never ending, my heart rate skyrockets, and I feel the enemy surrounding me, I continuously sing this song in my head. I imagine myself crawling up on the lap of Jesus and laying my head on his chest as he wraps His arms around me. At that moment, I feel PEACE. Peace…Holds me when I'm broken. Sweet peace…that passes understanding. When the whole wide world is crashing down, I fall to my knees…and breathe in your peace. I remember who You are…You're the God who's never far…So I will not be afraid…God, You always, You always keep me safe. ♥️

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” - Numbers 6:24-26

Every Giant Must Come Down

"All David had was faith and a rock...and he defeated a giant. All you need is faith in The Rock to defeat yours." - Unknown

Well, I made it. It’s 2024. Last year was hell along with 2022. 

For those of you who are new here, in 2022, I lost my nephew whom I loved and still love in unimaginable ways, to suicide. 

In 2023, I lost hope in a lot of things including my purpose in this life and what God has called me to do. It’s easy to lose hope when you’ve experienced such a significant loss and until you’ve been there yourself, you will never fully understand. 

You see, Stevie didn’t just die once. For me, he died the moment I got the phone call on October 24th at 11:29pm; he died every time we received negative news directly after we were hopeful; he died on October 31st at 5:26am, and he died again the last time I saw his lifeless body in his casket. To you, that may seem absolutely absurd, but to me it was reality. 

I’m kind of speechless and writing this is even difficult. It’s hard to find the words and to even make it make sense. Last year was a very trying year for me and many days, I truly didn’t care if I woke up. But I did. For Stevie. I mentally was not “here” in 2023. 

I forced myself to pray, to read my Bible, to worship, to go to church, and to be around Godly people who could love me through it. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to assume by things I write or post that I’m strong and full of faith but that isn’t always true. Oftentimes, things I write and share are how I wish I could feel. Strong. Full of faith. Able to fully rely on God without doubt. Someone who never questions God. You know…the typical assumptions non-Christians have about Christians. It’s unfortunately just not that easy. 

I always pray for God to give me the words and the message that He wants conveyed in my blog entries so this is for someone. I believe it wholeheartedly. Are you someone who loves Jesus but feels weak? Is your faith wavering? Do you question Gods purpose in the heartache? Does doubt creep in amidst the trials? Do you have trouble giving up control and fully trusting Him? Is that you? Me too. We are human and God knew we’d feel this way long before we knew ourselves. It’s okay, I promise. As my therapist says, “It’s okay to get stuck, just don’t stay there.” 

This past year, I have found myself uncertain, defeated, sad, infuriated, lost, and questioning every aspect of my life. I’ve spent countless days and nights living in fear of losing someone else that I love. Just waiting for another phone call and rarely sleeping with my phone on silent in fear of "missing the emergency”. 

My phone was on silent the night Stevie took his own life and I missed the first call. For a while now, I’ve attempted to figure out why I wish I had seen and answered the first call in time. At this exact moment, I know why. Perhaps if I had answered the first call, I would’ve gotten the news before my sister, Stevie’s mom. Just maybe the devastation, chaos, and horrific pain could’ve hit me first and lessened it for her. I just wanted to take her pain away that night. I still do...and I have every day since. I’ll never know the order of the calls that night but ultimately I don’t think the news hitting me first would’ve taken away an ounce of pain from anyone else. Ever. Please hold while I wipe these tears. 

Much of 2023 is a blur and I never want to go back there. All challenges in life were intensified by a million because of the weight of grief. It was an extremely difficult year to say the least and I don’t know if I’ve ever cried as much in my 35 years prior, as I did this past year. I often say I don’t know how I’ve made it through but ultimately, I know how I’ve made it. The one who is closer than my breath. He who gathers all of my tears and puts them in His bottle. The one who weeps with me. The one who fights for me. 

As the one-year anniversary of Stevie’s death grew closer, I could feel myself drowning. I slowly quit answering phone calls and texts, I began isolating, and over-eating. Attending church went from weekly, to bi-weekly, to monthly, then became non-existent. Reading my Bible, praying, and listening to worship music faded. My mental health was plummeting, and I truly didn’t care. Panic attacks began to wreak havoc once again, and I didn’t care if I ever left my bed. Some days, I still don’t. One thing I’ve never quit doing though is being honest about the way I feel and I’ve continued to thank God regardless of my despair. 

I’ve continued to thank Him every single day because He continues to fight for me day, after day, after day. Even when I feel like He is silent and has placed me on the sidelines, I still thank Him because those thoughts are simply that. Thoughts. Our thoughts are not always true, especially when it’s concerning God's love for us. 

On December 21st, I finally worked up the courage to turn on some worship music. I didn’t want to, but I needed to. Throughout the random station, a song came on that I hadn’t yet heard. Truthfully, I hadn’t even heard of One House Worship until then. Playing the song on repeat, I was reminded of why I continue to thank God daily even when I don’t feel His presence. Each time I listened…and still listen to this song, I look back over my life and see how Gods hands were in every single season. He has in fact, not left me on the sidelines. He hasn’t left you either regardless of how much it may feel that way. If God has never stopped fighting for me thus far, why would He ever stop now?! 

2024 is a new year. Another chance to run back to the Father. The one constant in my life who is madly in love with me. I’ll put down the armor that doesn’t fit. In fear, I’ll let faith stand and I will not quit. I’ll let You fight for me. You never lost one battle. You never lost, You won't start now. I will win this battle. Every giant must come down. 

Heavenly Father, I declare that in 2024, giants will fall in innumerable amounts. I pray that every eye and ear that may see or hear this blog entry be touched. Lord, cast from every mind all lies from the enemy. Show us to what extent in the battle you're willing to go. I pray that our minds be cleansed from Satan's torment and that we experience the peace only You can offer. Be with the grieving and let them see how close you are just as you have shown me. Let them know they aren’t exempt from your love. Your love covers all of us even when it's difficult to feel. You continue fighting while we are at rest and I love you for that. We weaken and become frail but you never do. Remove every thought of suicide from each mind it may come across. Shatter every single thought laid upon the mind that may convince us that we are not worthy of living or better off dead. Father, I pray that I see giants fall this year. The giants that I see as impossible to defeat. You know them all by name. Even the ones I have yet to encounter. I pray these things not only for myself, but for all whom I love. Show them who You are! It’s not about who we are, but who You are. Make yourself apparent. Equip us with the sling and stone, yet also let us know when to rest. Lastly God, I ask that you please walk alongside me as I fulfill my promise to Stevie. Use me for your glory and to reach the generations to come. Let them know how precious they are to you and how much you love them, just as you have shown me. I love you and thank you for everything you have done and all that you're doing and will continue to do in my life.

And in Jesus' name, we all said… Amen ♥️ 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8