Dear God,

Dear God

I've been trying awful hard to make You proud of me

But it seems

The harder that I try, all the harder it becomes

And I feel like giving up

Most of the time

Dear God

I've been chasing their approval and it's killin' me

And I know

The more I try to prove

All the less I have to show

And I'm stuck inside my head

Most of the time

But if I pray a little harder

If I follow all the rules

I wonder, could I ever be enough?

Lyrics by: Cory Asbury

On January 30th, I began jotting down a few topics that I wanted to blog about simply because they are areas in my life that I’ve personally been wrestling with and I know that I’m not alone. Truth is, others just don’t openly discuss it. One of the topics was, “Feeling Loved”. Since then, I’ve touched this entry multiple times and here I am again. Have there ever been seasons in your life where you have been consumed with feeling unloved, unworthy, and rejected? Same here, obviously.

When I speak of feeling unloved, unworthy, and rejected, there are many who could make us feel these ways and could apply to any one person or multiple people. You may feel these ways at the hands of your children, in-laws, friends, family, a partner, and the list could very well go on. Then there is God. Have you ever felt unloved by God or questioned where He is amidst your darkness? I have and still do. Unfortunately, there are more days than not lately. I’m not going to hide my doubts or feelings from Him because He’s already well aware of exactly how I feel. He knows the exact number of hairs on my head and had my life planned out before I was even a thought, so I’m certain that He knows if I’m not feeling loved by Him or others that I, in fact, love so endlessly. Some days I feel alone and as if He isn’t even aware that I exist. In the past, I’d turn to things that did make me feel loved and secure, none of which were healthy. Sometimes, that’s still the case. The most unhealthy thing I tend to do though is run in the opposite direction of where the true agape love resides. Jesus.

Since I was a child, I’ve felt much differently than what others seem to. I’ve always been the shyest one in the room until I feel accepted by those around me. Even then, I’m not the best at opening up but I never fail at letting others open up to me. I was both blessed and cursed with an enormous heart that has the capacity to hold a million times more love than most people I’ve encountered in my almost 36 years of life. Empathetic is my middle name and I probably feel a person's pain more than they do. I’ve always had a heart for others, but have never given my heart to the one person who deserves it most. Myself. Because I’ve never had a heart for myself, I felt and sometimes still feel as if God doesn’t have a heart for me either.

I’ve wrestled with feeling unloved, unworthy, and rejected off and on my entire life whether it be with someone I’ve dated, my family, my friends, others who may have surrounded me, and last but not least, God. I am not shy when saying that I have had and still have difficulty believing and accepting just how much God truly loves me and maybe you do as well. Have you ever questioned God's love for you? If I doubt and question God’s love for me, then how will I ever be able to not question the love of earthly flesh? As I wrote in a previous entry, trusting and having faith are two things that I am not a pro at. Believing just how much God loves me may very well top the list. If it’s not #1, it surely lies right beneath.

Years ago, I learned in therapy that we tend to view our Heavenly Father in the same manner that we view our earthly fathers. Who knew? A few months ago, eleven simple words in the basement of my church brought so much clarity to a void that has forever filled my heart. While attending a spirit-led paint class held by Adaia Schultz, she said something that felt as if an atomic bomb had made contact with my soul. I wrote down her words as I took brief moments to pause, attempting to process what she had spoken. Adaia said, “Our self image is a reflection of our image in Christ”. My heart sank. My self image has always been a reflection of how I’ve seen myself through God’s eyes simply because of the words and actions of others. It’s all I’ve known as “true”. Take a minute to meditate on those words and re-evaluate your worth.

My mind raced as I imagined God saying the things and treating me in the same manner others have. Ya know, all the things that have created negative thoughts in my head about myself. Does He truly see me as unworthy and as a failure? Does he condemn me because I’m chubbier than the average person or does he notice my rolls and stretch marks the same way that I do? Does He say that I’m unable to speak His truth and touch the lives of others just because I am not perfect, because I sin, and because I have many flaws? Does He require me to audition when I pray for Him to use me? Does He see my shyness as being rude or does He truly understand and accept my insecurities? Is He a God who tells me that I am incapable of reaching others who battle mental health issues, simply because I too wrestle with my own lifelong mental illness? Does He scream like the flesh of the earth with words such as psycho, crazy, or delusional when He is angry with me or does He understand that mental health issues, in fact, make me none of those words? Does He think I’m a lost cause or unlovable because I lash out in defense when someone hurts me? Does He think I cry too much or does He truly understand and care about the reasons I am sad? Is He the one who sits with me in church each Sunday (when I even make it) and tells me that I’ll never measure up to all of those other perfect people or that I'll never have the perfect lives that they all seem to have? Does He say that there is no way He’d ever use me to plant seeds in the lives of others? Does He really think and say those things or ever remotely treat me in any of those ways? I cannot recall one time. But guess who has? A large majority of people I’ve loved throughout my lifetime.

One thing I didn’t realize before therapy is that once we are beaten down so far, we begin believing lies about ourselves. Satan manipulates our already weak minds to believe all of those words of hatred and negativity to be true. This in turn, a lot of times, becomes our identity. Instead of learning and knowing our identity in Christ, we take on the identity that every other person has created for our lives and we place a price tag on ourselves. You see, my price tag has become so worn and tattered from being marked down, covered up with one discounted price after another, that I’ve finally become the last item on the shelf, hoping I’d somehow get lucky enough for just one person to see just how beautiful my sparkle is, and finally take me home. Perhaps you’ve felt or currently feel the same. Or perhaps you don’t. I never knew the way others “loved” me would determine how I thought God loved me. I’d be lying if I said I don’t struggle with this still on a daily basis. I do. It’s a very difficult mindset to break when your price tag has been marked with “FREE”. The way others have loved me has also determined the love that I have for myself. When I say the word “others”, I’m not just referring to a person I’ve dated. This goes much further than any significant other.

I automatically thought of being marked with “FREE” in a negative way and as if I was of no value to anyone. Of course my therapist got a preview of this entry before anyone else and he pointed out something very pertinent. He understood the meaning of my message, but he also saw me through the lens of God. What he pointed out is that I truly am marked with “FREE”. That is God’s word. Jeff turned my negative into a positive which is something I’ve not been very good with because I’ve been conditioned to think otherwise. When I searched scripture about freedom, Galatians 5:1 had my name written all over it. It says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Since a child, I have been burdened by a yoke of slavery. I have been a slave to other people's actions, words, and/or opinions of and towards me. I’ve allowed those who surround me to determine my worth and place their own price tag on me. I’ve learned that when a person places a reduced or free price tag on another person, it’s because they’ve placed a low value on themselves. Individuals with reduced or free price tags on themselves fear competition with something of higher value. I am learning that I am of high value and that the enemy lies. My high value price tag and free price tag ultimately go hand in hand. I am of high value yet also free because God tells me so. You don’t and won’t tell me so.

I fail when I expect others to love me in return, the same way that I love them. I’ve tried so hard to make sense of why others don’t or can’t love the way that I do. Even though I have spent my entire life deeply struggling with feeling loved, I feel as if loving others and having a genuine heart is the simplest task God has sat in front of me. I hope throughout my time spent on earth, I can teach at least one person how to love. I may not be perfect and I am human but I do know how to love. One thing in this life that I genuinely feel good at. Loving. If I can love others this much, then why is it so difficult for others to love me? And why do I find it so difficult to believe that God truly loves me? If I am made in God's image, then that means I am LOVE and how could He not love someone made in His own image? That probably made you think for a minute, didn’t it? Yeah, me too. I actually don’t even know how my brain concocted that but those words came from Him, not me.

If you haven’t noticed, all of my blog entries relate to a song that has a special meaning and that God has used to speak to me. The song tied to this entry is, Dear God. I have really been battling with negative thoughts, worrying about pleasing others, trying to measure up to their expectations, wondering why I don’t receive the same love in return that I so freely hand out, questioning if I’m even worthy of being loved, whether or not God is proud of me, if He even sees how sad I am, or just how unloved I truly feel. Some day, which begins today, I will attempt to no longer have these questions, simply because I don’t need to. As of 10:37 pm on June 22nd, 2023, when the enemy fills my mind with lies, I’ll speak the truth with exactly what God is saying when He looks down on me from the skies. “I just love that little Alicia.”

Don't You Give Up On Me

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. The best is yet to come.” - Zig Ziglar

Well. Where do I start? I guess I’ll start by saying that I very much feel like a complete failure when it comes to blogging. It’s not that I don’t want to blog, but more so that I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to even know where to begin. Attempting to cope with my depression, anxiety, and ADHD among every other stressor in life has been extremely overwhelming. If I’m being completely honest with you, most days I want to disappear and not tell a soul where I’ve gone. I’d love to lock myself in a hotel room for a few months only to stare at the wall and sit in silence because truthfully, that’s what I need.

The over-stimulation from everything around me for such a long period of time almost feels unmanageable. Trying to form thoughts in an overflowing brain is one of the last things I’m currently capable of. Doing what God has called me to do feels virtually impossible right now and is honestly something I don’t even want to think about. I don’t want to think about anything. I’m tired of thinking. Even though He understands my mental exhaustion more than anyone, I still feel as if I’m failing Him. He works in my favor constantly but I always feel as if I fall short in doing my part for Him. I find myself apologizing to those around me for canceling plans, wanting to be alone, and not responding to texts or phone calls in a timely manner or if even at all. I am sorry for disappointing anyone, but I am not sorry for needing space and placing myself first for once. It’s something I rarely do even though I very much need to. I’ve spent a great portion of my life pleasing others and ensuring they are alive and well yet I always somehow allow myself to gradually suffocate. If you consider me selfish for placing my mental health as first priority, then you alone may be selfish.

If you’ve never experienced a mental health challenge, you may never understand just how fortunate you are. Things that may come easily to others, are for me like climbing the highest mountain. Your little stressors may be a Goliath in my mind. And the things that barely pull at your heart strings, shatter mine. I often say that my kind heart and soul have been both a blessing and a curse. Some days I question if what God has placed in front of me is truly His purpose for my life. Amidst all these flames, it is sometimes difficult to even see a purpose. I often try to remember that He has already won, therefore, so will I. On Earth or in Heaven, I cling to hope that there is a victory awaiting me somewhere among all this darkness.

My days are frequently consumed by sadness, anger, and frustration. The domino effect of bad luck has become a never ending presence in my life. My heart and mind flood with an unexplainable sadness and negative thoughts seem to inhabit every crevice of my brain. More days than not, I find myself sliding the locks on both bedroom doors, staring at my framed photo of Stevie that sits off to the right on my mirrored shelf, and basking in silence. I just want peace for once in my life. And so did Stevie. I battle myself daily about not producing enough content for my blog and feeling as if I’m not accomplishing things quickly enough, especially accomplishments that are pleasing to God. Emotional eating has once again become my comfort and hatred towards myself is how I’d best describe the aftermath.

Church has been a saving grace in my life but also one of the last places I want to be right now. I don’t hide from transparency as you can tell. It’s more than difficult to hide the sadness around those who seem to always have it all together. Keywords, seem to. To me, it’s as if my place in doing God’s work has come to a standstill and that alone makes me feel like a failure to Him yet again. It’s all a constant war in my mind and guess what? Satan loves it. I don’t want to be a disservice to God. He’s the one who has guided me through every trial so I hate when I feel that I’m a disappointment to Him. I often wonder if He’s proud of me or if He gets tired of me making the same mistakes. Why do I even deserve His love? I know I can’t be alone in this. Do you ever feel like a failure or disservice to the one who laid down His life for you? Do you tend to run during your trying times or when you’re not mentally up to par? I do. I do a lot. Being angry or having hatred towards myself is far much easier than thinking that God possibly feels that way about me. I’d rather break my own heart than to break His.

Weeks have passed since I’ve opened my Bible. I’ve had good intentions of reading it, but haven’t. It’s hard to sustain a positive mindset when my entire world is whirling around me as I just stand there feeling defeated. Some days, I feel as if fulfilling my promise to my nephew seems unreachable. I miss that little brat more with each passing day. I have accomplished becoming certified in Youth and Adult Mental Health & Substance Abuse First Aid, so hopefully that counts as something.

The enemy has been steadily consuming my mind and to be quite honest with you, it’s been hard to even recognize his schemes lately. Sometimes it’s very easy to recognize his manipulation, keep a positive mindset, continue to pray and worship, and to speak God’s word over my life. Other days I wonder if God truly is in my corner and question if He’s possibly forgotten about me. Why is the enemy just so freaking relentless? It’s obvious that he wants my soul. When I become weak, I then question if I’m simply a weak person. Then I consider how I’ve been at war with Satan my entire life and he has yet to defeat me. Gotten close, but hasn’t fully stolen the victory. It’s in my moments of weakness, I realize my strength. My realizations and my walk with God give me the motivation to continue on.

Wrestling with my mental health while attempting to fight off the enemy is exhausting. Most days, simply surrendering to him seems easier and often crosses my mind. It already feels as if I’m in the fiery pits of hell and I just may be, but one thing is fact, so is He (God). There are some song lyrics that continuously flow through my mind and I aim to keep my focus on them. The lyrics say:

There is another in the fire

Standing next to me

There is another in the waters

Holding back the seas

And should I ever need reminding

What power set me free

There is a grave that holds no body

And now that power lives in me

Have you heard that song? If so, isn’t it amazing? To know that God loves me enough to stand alongside me in the fire is what continues to give me hope. How many people surrounding you in life would stand in the horrific flames with you? If I had to guess, probably not many. Or if they would, I’m not sure that they’d be capable of withstanding the heat for any significant amount of time.

Numerous times over the past few months, I have caught myself saying, “What do I do so wrong in life to be handed or faced with so many difficult obstacles and one disappointment after another?” My best assumption is that the enemy loves to torment me. He loves to destroy our minds and he has been very good at attempting to accomplish that for most of my life. T.D. Jakes quoted in one of his sermons:

“Whenever the devil knows that you have great destiny, he will always seek to knock you off early before you reach the hope of your calling. There are many who have a childhood story that happened to you early in life because hell saw you coming and thought if I don't pollute her, dilute her, or destroy her early, she will rise to the full potential of power. But the Bible says that no weapon formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that rises against me, God will condemn. I made it and the reason I'm tenacious, and the reason I’m relentless, and the reason I'm driven, and the reason I'll fight you is because I've been fighting since I was a child.”

I have never heard anything more accurate relating to my life. I am certainly convinced that Satan has tried to destroy me time and time again, but I refuse to let him win. He may have stolen my nephew's life with mental illness but I refuse to let him steal mine. I always pray that a hedge of protection be placed around me so that I’m someday able to reach others in need. I am speaking honestly when I say that I am barely hanging on by little faith. Isolation has become my safe place but it truly isn’t my safe place. It’s where the enemy goes in for his kill. The feeling that I bring others down doesn’t sit well with me either, so I’d rather just be alone. My loved ones don’t deserve to experience the blazing heat that surrounds me.

Weeks ago as I was listening to worship music, the words I needed most were presented to me in a song that I had never heard before. The song is called, “Don’t You Give Up On Me”, by Brandon Lake. Only hearing some of the words, I immediately touched the back arrow to replay the song. As always and in His perfect timing, God spoke. The title of that song is now the title of this blog entry. He knows without a doubt that I feel like giving up most days. He isn’t blind to my pain even if I may feel that way during very difficult times. I am holding tightly to the thread of His garment and He is not allowing it to be severed for anything.

This past Christmas, my friend Holly gifted me a book which she knew I desperately needed. In the book, it’s as if God is speaking directly to me each day. There are days when I forget to read His message so when I remember, I sometimes go back and read the previous days that I’ve missed, but most times I flip directly to the present day. I trust that God wants me to focus on the present day and not the days behind me. He knows exactly what I need and most definitely when I need it.

Some may know and some may not, that when my nephew took his own life, he was expecting his first child. On May 30th, 2023, Mariah blessed us with the most precious baby boy whom she named Steven William Marcus Allen. The day of his birth and each day following have been some of the most difficult days since Stevie’s passing. Cuddling my nephew's precious baby boy and reminiscing over every great memory with Stevie created a multitude of emotions. Knowing that Stevie will never get to enjoy his baby boy’s life here on earth has been absolutely heartbreaking to imagine.

A few days after baby Steven’s birth, I was isolating in my bedroom and having an emotional breakdown. I recall silently saying to myself, “I feel like just giving up.” The title of a book I had purchased several years ago flashed through my mind. The title of the book is, “Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately?” I went to my living room and scoured my bookshelf and there it was. I surely needed to read the words that were planted on those pages and God knew it. If you ever encounter that point of hopelessness, I suggest giving the book a chance. I promise, you won’t be disappointed. Even if you don’t feel hopeless in this present moment, perhaps purchase it for when you are burdened with that weight.

On June 3rd, I noticed the book that Holly had given me on the passenger seat of my car where I had placed it a few days prior. I picked it up with hopes that God would have a great message for me that day. When someone tells you that God knows all, believe them. The photo that I included at the beginning of this entry was the message intended for me that day. I may often feel alone with thoughts that God doesn’t know my struggle or doesn’t see my sadness, but He’s constantly reassuring me that He does. When I feel forgotten, He tells me that I’m not. Without His words, chances are I wouldn’t have come or made it this far. He has been my one and only saving grace and He will forever receive the glory.

God has promised and planned for our lives far much more than we can fathom. My therapist has insisted for years that God had and has a purpose for my pain. I disagreed and practically debated with a man who had much more experience with God than I have had thus far in life. I questioned how God could possibly use me to reach even one heart when all I had to offer was a broken soul that’s been saturated with pain and a shattered mind which was far beyond repair. He could use me and He would use me. Oftentimes, it’s very difficult in our moments of weakness to have the ability to see or even find a way out. Satan may have convinced my nephew that he had arrived at a dead end with no means of escape, but I’m living proof that there is a way out. Even though I have horrible days, want to give up, lose almost every bit of faith I have left, and yearn to be in Heaven with my nephew, God reminds me that He is not yet finished with His purpose for my life. That alone is the reason I’ll continue to fight. My mental illness and the enemy are the Goliath’s in my life but God is much greater than either one of those. He has already won and I’ll stand firm on His promises even when I'm engulfed in flames.

To end this entry, I encourage each person who reads this to continue on and push through the fire as well. He has promised me a victory and I am holding Him to His word. You should do the same. Cling on to the hem of His garment even if only by a thread. Satan has done everything in his power to sever that single thread that I’ve held onto for a large portion of my life. I am often weak more times than not and a lot of days I don’t want to leave my bed. I’ve learned that it’s perfectly okay to not always be strong. In fact, Jesus eventually became weak and exhausted. He could no longer carry His cross the entire way and we aren’t expected to either. Just as Jesus, we need assistance. I believe that God intentionally allows us to experience weakness and exhaustion so that we surrender and allow Him to assist in carrying our cross. He is the only one capable of winning these battles which we may see as impossible to win.

If you’re drowning in frustration and feel exhausted to the core, join me by laying down your own cross. He doesn’t want me to give up on Him and He doesn’t want you to either. His love for me is apparent when He tells me to not give up on Him. It shows me that He loves me enough to not want to lose me. When we love someone in unimaginable ways, we don’t want them to give up on us when navigating through difficult times. These trials create a stronger bond between two individuals and when the fire finally dies down, beauty emerges from the ashes. Perhaps not in the way we may anticipate, but rather in God’s way.

If the creator of all things doesn’t want me to give up on Him, that alone proves His love for me. He wants to walk alongside me in the good times, as well as the bad. Who would I be to walk out on the one who has never let me down, broken my heart, or made me question their honesty and love? He has always proven to be faithful and his love for me is pure. He loves me despite how I so easily shut Him out when I can’t hear His answers to my prayers. He reassures me in my doubt when I question whether He even sees me or if I even matter to Him. He guides me when I see no way out and carries me when I feel as if I have no strength left. He’s held and still holds me close when the darkness consumes me. I’m sure I haven’t been the easiest child for Him to raise, but I’ve tried. And tried. And tried again. I can be mouthy, stubborn, too independent, very opinionated, and my bipolar switch may flip at any given moment…ya know, I’ll actually just stop myself right there and close with, “God, don’t you give up on me…”

And all God’s children giggled and said “Amen!”

“I will be with you when you walk through the fire. You will not be burned; the flames won’t set you ablaze.” - Isaiah 43:2

Give Me Faith

"Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will." - Ben Stein

I began writing this blog entry weeks ago and have yet to finish it. Since the passing of my nephew, I have become mentally and emotionally drained and feel as if any of my progress is equivalent to a snail's pace. My therapist reminded me last week that "slow and steady wins the race" and I sure hope he's accurate in saying that. The title of this entry depicts my current need and quite possibly a need of yours as well. When I began writing this, I hoped to encourage others to rely on faith during their most difficult times. However, this led me to realize that I needed it just as much, if not more, than those of you reading this. It is said that God works in mysterious ways, and I can certainly attest to that. I have sat on these words for close to a month...adding, removing, rearranging, rereading...you name it. I am not satisfied until something that I write, is perfect. At least perfect enough for me. As the weeks have passed, the word faith has continued to stop me in my tracks over and over and over again. Each time, the word usually appears in a different manner, and if I know the Holy Spirit, it won't stop until I publish this. *lol* Whether it shows up in music, scripture, a podcast, an online sermon, in church, or simply through my loved ones, this word continues to come to me with full force. When something is laid on your heart, yet ignored, God will do everything in His power to get your attention and He's willing to go to any length He must.

It has usually been during the most difficult seasons in life when I've lost my faith and drifted away from the one who loves me most. How could I possibly keep faith that things will work together for my good when it constantly seems as if my entire world is crashing down upon me? Clinging onto faith is extremely difficult for someone with a “normal” brain, much less for one who is in constant chaos within their own heart and mind. Mental illness sucks. More times than not, it’s hard for me to even decipher whether the thoughts in my head are of the Holy Spirit, Satan, or simply my own. I must say, that is quite frightening. *lol* I know that may seem or sound idiotic but when you’re at constant war with the manipulation of Satan in your mind, deciphering the truth is much more difficult than you may imagine.

Mental health issues are a lot of times misconstrued as sadness, but it truly goes much deeper than that. Wrestling with constant toxic thoughts that spiral out of control is beyond exhausting. When hearing the words obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD for short, you may immediately think of counting, tapping, washing hands, or constantly checking to ensure the door is locked before bed. Those were previously my initial thoughts as well. After my therapist and psych physician brought different scenarios to my attention, in typical Alicia fashion, I began my research. I like to consider it "research", however in some instances, my therapist considers it "investigating". *lol* My OCD is much different than what most people typically think of and was even a surprise to me. OCD for me is obsessive and intrusive negative thoughts that at times seem never-ending. Some are easier to let go of than others, but it truly depends on the situation. These negative thoughts consume my heart and mind making it virtually impossible to create any room for what I'm in desperate need of. Faith. How could I possibly fit one more thing into any crevice of my brain when it was already overflowing with madness?

For me to insinuate that I have never battled with or questioned my faith would be an enormous lie. I have lost faith more times than I can count or that I’d ever like to admit. My wavering faith tells me that I’m attempting to place control of life's circumstances into my own hands vs. releasing these issues to the one who is capable of all things. I find myself easily trusting God with some things, but not others. I've noticed lately that if the situation is one where I’m capable of becoming hurt once more, I want and try to remain in control. I don't want to be in control of another person, I want to be in control of the situation itself if it is something that could essentially lead to a negative outcome. I am over being hurt by those I have emptied my cup for and if I can prevent experiencing that pain ever again, I will do so at all costs. My therapist informed me that I am in fact, not in control at all. *lol* After about 10 seconds of pondering on that, he was absolutely correct. In our minds, we tend to believe that we can create an outcome much better than the creator of all things, right? If you disagree with that, you're in denial and should consider joining me at Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. *lol* One could only hope to possess the power of our creator. I'd absolutely love to think that my ways are better than His but let’s face it, that is just not my reality.

The thought of releasing control of a situation that you probably have no control over to begin with, seems extremely daunting. The unknown of any situation is incredibly scary, especially for someone who already has spiraling thoughts. I've been slowly learning that if anything is distracting you from fulfilling the call that God has placed on your life, you should release it. Unless you have the perfect ability to hand things over and trust God to do what's best, then the thought of releasing that particular thing or situation probably gives you instant anxiety or places you into a state of fear and panic. I know because I live it. Is the thought of releasing control of something in your life causing your faith to waver also? If you answered yes, please know that you’re not alone. If you answered no, I applaud you and hope to someday have your willpower. I believe that relying solely on faith is one of God’s many ways of testing us during our most difficult trials. He desires that we trust Him even when we have no capability of knowing what lies ahead. If you're anything like me, you may always want to prepare for the worst and/or get ahead of the obstacle before the obstacle gets ahead of you. I am being perfectly honest when I say the thought of letting down my guard and trusting God to do what’s best for me is extremely frightening and I’d be willing to bet that I am not alone in having that fear.

During my deepest and most debilitating bouts of depression, He was there. Even if I wasn't able to detect His presence in those moments, I am now certain that He was constantly surrounding me. I am certain because I’m here sharing these words with you in hopes of reaching anyone else who may be experiencing the same or similar situation. Hebrews 13:5 tells us that God will never leave nor forsake us. Someone who will never abandon me? That's always been difficult for me to accept as true. It is extremely easy to forget or disregard this promise when we are lying in the depths of despair ruminating in the thoughts of what seems like no way out. In moments when our lives are thriving, believing the truths of God's promises is effortless. What happens when our lives turn from thriving to turmoil? It's no longer painless and perhaps a time when you're not thankful for much of anything. Many times, I’ve doubted His words simply because I didn’t feel His presence or see happening in my life, what He said to be true. When I reflect on my journey from childhood to the present moment, each time it shows me just how much He was in fact there despite whether I felt His presence or not. The fact that I can share my thoughts with you is proof that He was there all along. He has always been there. He will always be there. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me and He will never leave you nor forsake you either.

Recently, I learned that Satan is not capable of knowing our thoughts and we must verbally speak God’s word over our lives and circumstances. God's words are a reminder to Satan of the one who has been and will always be in control. Learning this was such a pleasant surprise. Possessing the power to infuriate and agitate Satan to his core is quite satisfying if I am being completely honest. I am by no means a vindictive person, although, reciprocating his torment is my pleasure. If I were asked to choose my best qualities besides my baby blues, being one who is tenacious and relentless would likely follow. Regardless of how many times I have felt defeated by my mental health hurdles or other difficult issues in life, there is one thing that's certain. I always persevere.

My mom's character taught me at a very young age to be a woman that never gives up. Despite the trials she has been handed, she’s always faced them with strength and courage. She taught me something early on that I will forever live by. In any instance where someone had hurt me, she would always offer the same words and seemed to never get tired of repeating herself. Her advice was to continue living my life, be a good person, and do the right things. She ensured me that the person who had hurt me would have to answer for their actions and that I would be rewarded in the long run. As angry as I was in those painful moments, those words of advice never failed. Though I didn’t know or see it at the moment, following her lead was me relying on only faith and trust alone. I have never fully surrendered to my mental illness even though there have been many times when I've very much had the urge to. If there is any one thing that Satan despises about me, it's most likely my extreme stubbornness. I have been provided with a fighting spirit and it comes from no strength of my own. Ephesians 2:10 says that I was created with a purpose, and I am beyond eager to see what beauty will emerge from the ashes of my life.

While being devoured by some of my darkest bouts of depression, there are two specific pieces of scripture that I remember constantly repeating. I'd recite them silently in my head or quietly enough that only God could hear me. These pieces of scripture were without a doubt the words that helped me navigate through what seemed like infinite days and nights. When anxiety and panic attacks wreaked havoc on my soul, Isaiah 41:10 is what calmed my chaos. His promise says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Upheld?! That is exactly what I needed, and He knew it. Depression and panic attacks have consumed my soul for more of my life than not. When I say “consumed” as if it were past tense, that doesn’t insinuate that I am free of depression or that it’s still not present in my life. It is very much still present, but He has provided me with medication and a life-saving therapist that helps stabilize me.

Psalm 34:18 has become embedded in my mind and a piece of scripture that I lean on frequently. It has become a staple in my life alongside Isaiah 41:10 which may be one of my favorite promises in the Bible. It says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He has never lied about that and has always remained close to me whether I felt it or not. In those moments, I needed closeness and someone who held my heart and mind with genuine love. Amid hopelessness, loneliness, and feeling unloved, I had to convince myself that His words were true because our God isn’t a God of lies. Satan is the deceiver of our minds, and He is in fact the liar. It is up to us to gather just enough strength to reach out to the one who loves us most. He patiently waits for us to come to Him. We are to go to God with honesty and ask Him for exactly what we need. I would repeatedly ask Him to provide me with the ability to trust in Him and give me the strength to fight through another day. Those requests haven't changed. He doesn’t require us to have an abundance of faith and for that I am grateful. He's well aware that requiring anything of me in a large amount is just a recipe for disaster, also known as, a nervous breakdown. *lol* When I say He doesn’t require an abundance of faith, then just how much faith does He ask of us?

When my mental health was so-so, it was so-so. When my mental health was off the charts, it was off the charts. Small tasks that most would consider easy, were beyond difficult for me. A happy medium was non-existent in my brain. Depression and panic attacks were dreadful to my spirit, and I had zero desire to escape or conquer either one. I know that my mom had been drowned in hopelessness when it came to my mental health. How do you take solace in seeing your child sit on her bed in tears, muttering the words, "I'd rather die than live another day like this." I recall my mom constantly saying that she just wished there was something more she could do to help me feel better and that she hoped doctors would get me straightened out sooner than later. As time passed, instead of saying those things, she began saying something similar to, “You will get better, you just need to have faith.” Ummm, how?! Why would or how could I even want to fully trust God when He had already let me suffer for so long? As far as I was concerned, there was nothing that could come from having any faith at that point. All I had to look forward to was just another prescription being shoved my way and taking a gamble as to whether it would even help.

After my mom mentioned that I just needed to have faith, she proceeded to tell me how the Bible says if we have faith only the size of a mustard seed, that nothing is impossible. Nothing? I highly doubted that in my state of mind. I had never heard of the mustard seed reference, so I had no idea what she was even referring to. In typical Alicia fashion, I began my investigation. I wouldn’t be satisfied until I had an exact understanding and even then, I would probably still have questions. That’s just how my curious mind works, unfortunately. If I’m being quite honest, I wasn’t even certain as to what a mustard seed was, much less its size. Were those the little round things that my Nan used to put in her homemade bread and butter pickles? That was my first and best guess. I Google searched the piece of scripture that my mom had referenced and many images appeared. I'd assume at this point you're aware of just how small a mustard seed is. Amazing, huh? He is truly saying we only need the faith of such a small size for anything to be possible?! Bet! I’ve always loved a challenge.

At one point, I think I may have even searched the exact definition of faith just to be certain I had all of this correct. Faith is described as “confidence or trust in a person or thing” or “belief that is not based on proof”. That was great and all, but there was one small problem. I had no issue with my belief in God, but when it came to completely trusting Him or having confidence that He could do the impossible, I admit that I was not spectacular in that area. Not even in the least. How was I expected to completely trust or have confidence in a God who loved me so much, yet allowed in my life, nothing but pain? But hey, if the size of that seed was all the faith He requested of me, I would attempt to meet Him halfway. I surely wasn’t able to offer much beyond the size of that tiny seed in that mental state.

As days, weeks, months, and years passed, regardless of how much my mental health declined, I’d revert to the image of that little seed and remind myself of God’s promise. Matthew 17:20 says, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains, and nothing shall be impossible for you.” In every passing moment, I was and am still grateful that He asks my faith to be only the size of that little seed. In those darkest moments, I barely had it in me. Some days I still don't. The one thing I did have though, was the determination to hold God to His word. I have become quite the master at holding Him accountable to His word. If He has ever gotten annoyed with any three words from me, I’d be willing to bet they are, “God, You promised.”

After learning of this, it became essential in my life, and I will forever be indebted to my mom for teaching me one of God’s small promises that I had known as non-existent. What may have taken 30 seconds of my mom's life, has forever saved mine. My faith may waver, but my God continues to steady me in my trials and suffering. Painless and/or easy will never be two words that I’m able to use when describing my battles with mental illness. Each time I would lean on God’s promise, not only did my trust and confidence in Him grow, but I grew also. He was proving Himself to be faithful just as He had said.

I know for certain that many surrounding me have been and are still wrestling with their faith since the suicide of my nephew and most recently the death of his uncle at the hands of addiction. You are not alone in this warfare. Trust me when I say that I stand alongside you in this battle.

“Give Me Faith” was chosen as the title for this blog entry simply because I need Him to do just that, and I am not afraid to admit it. It’s perfectly okay if you need to request that He provide you with faith also. A wavering faith doesn’t cause our God to love us any less. He wants to steady you. He wants to steady me. Don’t believe the lies of the enemy. Satan wants you to doubt and believe that you are not worthy enough to hold God to His promises. I say these next words often and will continue to do so. Hold Him accountable to His words, for He wants you to. He wants us to challenge Him so that He’s able to prove just how much He loves us.

Are you ready to gather and present to Him your mustard seed size faith? If you’re unable to gather it on your own, ask Him for help in gathering just enough to offer. Don’t be afraid to tell Him your needs, for He’s already well aware. In a TD Jakes sermon, he said something similar to, “God knows the single hair that caused the tangle in your hairbrush, and you think He doesn’t know other things about you?” You already know I cackled at that and it really opened my eyes to times when I question things.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my journey as a Christian, it’s that our Father craves for us to reach out to Him. Even if you think you’re unworthy due to a lack of faith or any other reason, have the courage and determination to do it even more. Satan is a liar and any doubts you have of yourself only come from the enemy. If you’re at a point in your sadness where you have no strength to even pray, do just as I did. “God, You promised.” The Bible says that the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. Your heart and thoughts are not exempt from that, and neither are mine. Trust that your words and thoughts will reach Him, for they always do.

One of my favorite songs (which I’ve included in this post) says, "Give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good and Your love is great, I'm broken inside, I give You my life". As I continuously basked in the presence of this song, I slowly began to return to life. I wasn't aware that I had lost faith, that my heart needed softened, or that I needed broken apart and cleansed. What I did know is that I was certainly broken inside and needed to give Him my life over and over and over again. Approximately 70 x 7 times. I had viewed my Heavenly Father as I had viewed every other male figure in my life, and I was certain He viewed me in the same ways they had. I felt unworthy, unloved, and disposable in His eyes. What a misconception. I owe my therapist all glory for teaching me otherwise. Do you know how many times I had to repeat those lyrics until I was able to accept that I could trust what He says, that He was good, and that His love is great? Infinite times.

(Sidenote: I was getting ready to publish this on my website, but for some reason added everything beyond the lyrics in the paragraph above. It is not something that had even crossed my mind this past month or that I had thought about adding to this entry, so hopefully it was meant to be placed there for someone special.)

Right now, I am weak, but I know that He is strong. I very much struggle with surrendering all things and letting go of what I may think is in my control. It's a struggle because my faith is wavering, and I need Him to steady me. I want and need to fully trust the one who loves me most, in all things. Not just some, but all. I yearn to be secure in knowing that He will work all things together for my good regardless of my inability to see what lies ahead of me. Above all, I need strength, courage, and confidence to get there and just maybe you do too.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you

have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24