Don't You Give Up On Me

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations. The best is yet to come.” - Zig Ziglar

Well. Where do I start? I guess I’ll start by saying that I very much feel like a complete failure when it comes to blogging. It’s not that I don’t want to blog, but more so that I don’t have the energy or mental capacity to even know where to begin. Attempting to cope with my depression, anxiety, and ADHD among every other stressor in life has been extremely overwhelming. If I’m being completely honest with you, most days I want to disappear and not tell a soul where I’ve gone. I’d love to lock myself in a hotel room for a few months only to stare at the wall and sit in silence because truthfully, that’s what I need.

The over-stimulation from everything around me for such a long period of time almost feels unmanageable. Trying to form thoughts in an overflowing brain is one of the last things I’m currently capable of. Doing what God has called me to do feels virtually impossible right now and is honestly something I don’t even want to think about. I don’t want to think about anything. I’m tired of thinking. Even though He understands my mental exhaustion more than anyone, I still feel as if I’m failing Him. He works in my favor constantly but I always feel as if I fall short in doing my part for Him. I find myself apologizing to those around me for canceling plans, wanting to be alone, and not responding to texts or phone calls in a timely manner or if even at all. I am sorry for disappointing anyone, but I am not sorry for needing space and placing myself first for once. It’s something I rarely do even though I very much need to. I’ve spent a great portion of my life pleasing others and ensuring they are alive and well yet I always somehow allow myself to gradually suffocate. If you consider me selfish for placing my mental health as first priority, then you alone may be selfish.

If you’ve never experienced a mental health challenge, you may never understand just how fortunate you are. Things that may come easily to others, are for me like climbing the highest mountain. Your little stressors may be a Goliath in my mind. And the things that barely pull at your heart strings, shatter mine. I often say that my kind heart and soul have been both a blessing and a curse. Some days I question if what God has placed in front of me is truly His purpose for my life. Amidst all these flames, it is sometimes difficult to even see a purpose. I often try to remember that He has already won, therefore, so will I. On Earth or in Heaven, I cling to hope that there is a victory awaiting me somewhere among all this darkness.

My days are frequently consumed by sadness, anger, and frustration. The domino effect of bad luck has become a never ending presence in my life. My heart and mind flood with an unexplainable sadness and negative thoughts seem to inhabit every crevice of my brain. More days than not, I find myself sliding the locks on both bedroom doors, staring at my framed photo of Stevie that sits off to the right on my mirrored shelf, and basking in silence. I just want peace for once in my life. And so did Stevie. I battle myself daily about not producing enough content for my blog and feeling as if I’m not accomplishing things quickly enough, especially accomplishments that are pleasing to God. Emotional eating has once again become my comfort and hatred towards myself is how I’d best describe the aftermath.

Church has been a saving grace in my life but also one of the last places I want to be right now. I don’t hide from transparency as you can tell. It’s more than difficult to hide the sadness around those who seem to always have it all together. Keywords, seem to. To me, it’s as if my place in doing God’s work has come to a standstill and that alone makes me feel like a failure to Him yet again. It’s all a constant war in my mind and guess what? Satan loves it. I don’t want to be a disservice to God. He’s the one who has guided me through every trial so I hate when I feel that I’m a disappointment to Him. I often wonder if He’s proud of me or if He gets tired of me making the same mistakes. Why do I even deserve His love? I know I can’t be alone in this. Do you ever feel like a failure or disservice to the one who laid down His life for you? Do you tend to run during your trying times or when you’re not mentally up to par? I do. I do a lot. Being angry or having hatred towards myself is far much easier than thinking that God possibly feels that way about me. I’d rather break my own heart than to break His.

Weeks have passed since I’ve opened my Bible. I’ve had good intentions of reading it, but haven’t. It’s hard to sustain a positive mindset when my entire world is whirling around me as I just stand there feeling defeated. Some days, I feel as if fulfilling my promise to my nephew seems unreachable. I miss that little brat more with each passing day. I have accomplished becoming certified in Youth and Adult Mental Health & Substance Abuse First Aid, so hopefully that counts as something.

The enemy has been steadily consuming my mind and to be quite honest with you, it’s been hard to even recognize his schemes lately. Sometimes it’s very easy to recognize his manipulation, keep a positive mindset, continue to pray and worship, and to speak God’s word over my life. Other days I wonder if God truly is in my corner and question if He’s possibly forgotten about me. Why is the enemy just so freaking relentless? It’s obvious that he wants my soul. When I become weak, I then question if I’m simply a weak person. Then I consider how I’ve been at war with Satan my entire life and he has yet to defeat me. Gotten close, but hasn’t fully stolen the victory. It’s in my moments of weakness, I realize my strength. My realizations and my walk with God give me the motivation to continue on.

Wrestling with my mental health while attempting to fight off the enemy is exhausting. Most days, simply surrendering to him seems easier and often crosses my mind. It already feels as if I’m in the fiery pits of hell and I just may be, but one thing is fact, so is He (God). There are some song lyrics that continuously flow through my mind and I aim to keep my focus on them. The lyrics say:

There is another in the fire

Standing next to me

There is another in the waters

Holding back the seas

And should I ever need reminding

What power set me free

There is a grave that holds no body

And now that power lives in me

Have you heard that song? If so, isn’t it amazing? To know that God loves me enough to stand alongside me in the fire is what continues to give me hope. How many people surrounding you in life would stand in the horrific flames with you? If I had to guess, probably not many. Or if they would, I’m not sure that they’d be capable of withstanding the heat for any significant amount of time.

Numerous times over the past few months, I have caught myself saying, “What do I do so wrong in life to be handed or faced with so many difficult obstacles and one disappointment after another?” My best assumption is that the enemy loves to torment me. He loves to destroy our minds and he has been very good at attempting to accomplish that for most of my life. T.D. Jakes quoted in one of his sermons:

“Whenever the devil knows that you have great destiny, he will always seek to knock you off early before you reach the hope of your calling. There are many who have a childhood story that happened to you early in life because hell saw you coming and thought if I don't pollute her, dilute her, or destroy her early, she will rise to the full potential of power. But the Bible says that no weapon formed against me shall prosper and every tongue that rises against me, God will condemn. I made it and the reason I'm tenacious, and the reason I’m relentless, and the reason I'm driven, and the reason I'll fight you is because I've been fighting since I was a child.”

I have never heard anything more accurate relating to my life. I am certainly convinced that Satan has tried to destroy me time and time again, but I refuse to let him win. He may have stolen my nephew's life with mental illness but I refuse to let him steal mine. I always pray that a hedge of protection be placed around me so that I’m someday able to reach others in need. I am speaking honestly when I say that I am barely hanging on by little faith. Isolation has become my safe place but it truly isn’t my safe place. It’s where the enemy goes in for his kill. The feeling that I bring others down doesn’t sit well with me either, so I’d rather just be alone. My loved ones don’t deserve to experience the blazing heat that surrounds me.

Weeks ago as I was listening to worship music, the words I needed most were presented to me in a song that I had never heard before. The song is called, “Don’t You Give Up On Me”, by Brandon Lake. Only hearing some of the words, I immediately touched the back arrow to replay the song. As always and in His perfect timing, God spoke. The title of that song is now the title of this blog entry. He knows without a doubt that I feel like giving up most days. He isn’t blind to my pain even if I may feel that way during very difficult times. I am holding tightly to the thread of His garment and He is not allowing it to be severed for anything.

This past Christmas, my friend Holly gifted me a book which she knew I desperately needed. In the book, it’s as if God is speaking directly to me each day. There are days when I forget to read His message so when I remember, I sometimes go back and read the previous days that I’ve missed, but most times I flip directly to the present day. I trust that God wants me to focus on the present day and not the days behind me. He knows exactly what I need and most definitely when I need it.

Some may know and some may not, that when my nephew took his own life, he was expecting his first child. On May 30th, 2023, Mariah blessed us with the most precious baby boy whom she named Steven William Marcus Allen. The day of his birth and each day following have been some of the most difficult days since Stevie’s passing. Cuddling my nephew's precious baby boy and reminiscing over every great memory with Stevie created a multitude of emotions. Knowing that Stevie will never get to enjoy his baby boy’s life here on earth has been absolutely heartbreaking to imagine.

A few days after baby Steven’s birth, I was isolating in my bedroom and having an emotional breakdown. I recall silently saying to myself, “I feel like just giving up.” The title of a book I had purchased several years ago flashed through my mind. The title of the book is, “Have You Felt Like Giving Up Lately?” I went to my living room and scoured my bookshelf and there it was. I surely needed to read the words that were planted on those pages and God knew it. If you ever encounter that point of hopelessness, I suggest giving the book a chance. I promise, you won’t be disappointed. Even if you don’t feel hopeless in this present moment, perhaps purchase it for when you are burdened with that weight.

On June 3rd, I noticed the book that Holly had given me on the passenger seat of my car where I had placed it a few days prior. I picked it up with hopes that God would have a great message for me that day. When someone tells you that God knows all, believe them. The photo that I included at the beginning of this entry was the message intended for me that day. I may often feel alone with thoughts that God doesn’t know my struggle or doesn’t see my sadness, but He’s constantly reassuring me that He does. When I feel forgotten, He tells me that I’m not. Without His words, chances are I wouldn’t have come or made it this far. He has been my one and only saving grace and He will forever receive the glory.

God has promised and planned for our lives far much more than we can fathom. My therapist has insisted for years that God had and has a purpose for my pain. I disagreed and practically debated with a man who had much more experience with God than I have had thus far in life. I questioned how God could possibly use me to reach even one heart when all I had to offer was a broken soul that’s been saturated with pain and a shattered mind which was far beyond repair. He could use me and He would use me. Oftentimes, it’s very difficult in our moments of weakness to have the ability to see or even find a way out. Satan may have convinced my nephew that he had arrived at a dead end with no means of escape, but I’m living proof that there is a way out. Even though I have horrible days, want to give up, lose almost every bit of faith I have left, and yearn to be in Heaven with my nephew, God reminds me that He is not yet finished with His purpose for my life. That alone is the reason I’ll continue to fight. My mental illness and the enemy are the Goliath’s in my life but God is much greater than either one of those. He has already won and I’ll stand firm on His promises even when I'm engulfed in flames.

To end this entry, I encourage each person who reads this to continue on and push through the fire as well. He has promised me a victory and I am holding Him to His word. You should do the same. Cling on to the hem of His garment even if only by a thread. Satan has done everything in his power to sever that single thread that I’ve held onto for a large portion of my life. I am often weak more times than not and a lot of days I don’t want to leave my bed. I’ve learned that it’s perfectly okay to not always be strong. In fact, Jesus eventually became weak and exhausted. He could no longer carry His cross the entire way and we aren’t expected to either. Just as Jesus, we need assistance. I believe that God intentionally allows us to experience weakness and exhaustion so that we surrender and allow Him to assist in carrying our cross. He is the only one capable of winning these battles which we may see as impossible to win.

If you’re drowning in frustration and feel exhausted to the core, join me by laying down your own cross. He doesn’t want me to give up on Him and He doesn’t want you to either. His love for me is apparent when He tells me to not give up on Him. It shows me that He loves me enough to not want to lose me. When we love someone in unimaginable ways, we don’t want them to give up on us when navigating through difficult times. These trials create a stronger bond between two individuals and when the fire finally dies down, beauty emerges from the ashes. Perhaps not in the way we may anticipate, but rather in God’s way.

If the creator of all things doesn’t want me to give up on Him, that alone proves His love for me. He wants to walk alongside me in the good times, as well as the bad. Who would I be to walk out on the one who has never let me down, broken my heart, or made me question their honesty and love? He has always proven to be faithful and his love for me is pure. He loves me despite how I so easily shut Him out when I can’t hear His answers to my prayers. He reassures me in my doubt when I question whether He even sees me or if I even matter to Him. He guides me when I see no way out and carries me when I feel as if I have no strength left. He’s held and still holds me close when the darkness consumes me. I’m sure I haven’t been the easiest child for Him to raise, but I’ve tried. And tried. And tried again. I can be mouthy, stubborn, too independent, very opinionated, and my bipolar switch may flip at any given moment…ya know, I’ll actually just stop myself right there and close with, “God, don’t you give up on me…”

And all God’s children giggled and said “Amen!”

“I will be with you when you walk through the fire. You will not be burned; the flames won’t set you ablaze.” - Isaiah 43:2