Give Me Faith

"Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will." - Ben Stein

I began writing this blog entry weeks ago and have yet to finish it. Since the passing of my nephew, I have become mentally and emotionally drained and feel as if any of my progress is equivalent to a snail's pace. My therapist reminded me last week that "slow and steady wins the race" and I sure hope he's accurate in saying that. The title of this entry depicts my current need and quite possibly a need of yours as well. When I began writing this, I hoped to encourage others to rely on faith during their most difficult times. However, this led me to realize that I needed it just as much, if not more, than those of you reading this. It is said that God works in mysterious ways, and I can certainly attest to that. I have sat on these words for close to a month...adding, removing, rearranging, rereading...you name it. I am not satisfied until something that I write, is perfect. At least perfect enough for me. As the weeks have passed, the word faith has continued to stop me in my tracks over and over and over again. Each time, the word usually appears in a different manner, and if I know the Holy Spirit, it won't stop until I publish this. *lol* Whether it shows up in music, scripture, a podcast, an online sermon, in church, or simply through my loved ones, this word continues to come to me with full force. When something is laid on your heart, yet ignored, God will do everything in His power to get your attention and He's willing to go to any length He must.

It has usually been during the most difficult seasons in life when I've lost my faith and drifted away from the one who loves me most. How could I possibly keep faith that things will work together for my good when it constantly seems as if my entire world is crashing down upon me? Clinging onto faith is extremely difficult for someone with a “normal” brain, much less for one who is in constant chaos within their own heart and mind. Mental illness sucks. More times than not, it’s hard for me to even decipher whether the thoughts in my head are of the Holy Spirit, Satan, or simply my own. I must say, that is quite frightening. *lol* I know that may seem or sound idiotic but when you’re at constant war with the manipulation of Satan in your mind, deciphering the truth is much more difficult than you may imagine.

Mental health issues are a lot of times misconstrued as sadness, but it truly goes much deeper than that. Wrestling with constant toxic thoughts that spiral out of control is beyond exhausting. When hearing the words obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD for short, you may immediately think of counting, tapping, washing hands, or constantly checking to ensure the door is locked before bed. Those were previously my initial thoughts as well. After my therapist and psych physician brought different scenarios to my attention, in typical Alicia fashion, I began my research. I like to consider it "research", however in some instances, my therapist considers it "investigating". *lol* My OCD is much different than what most people typically think of and was even a surprise to me. OCD for me is obsessive and intrusive negative thoughts that at times seem never-ending. Some are easier to let go of than others, but it truly depends on the situation. These negative thoughts consume my heart and mind making it virtually impossible to create any room for what I'm in desperate need of. Faith. How could I possibly fit one more thing into any crevice of my brain when it was already overflowing with madness?

For me to insinuate that I have never battled with or questioned my faith would be an enormous lie. I have lost faith more times than I can count or that I’d ever like to admit. My wavering faith tells me that I’m attempting to place control of life's circumstances into my own hands vs. releasing these issues to the one who is capable of all things. I find myself easily trusting God with some things, but not others. I've noticed lately that if the situation is one where I’m capable of becoming hurt once more, I want and try to remain in control. I don't want to be in control of another person, I want to be in control of the situation itself if it is something that could essentially lead to a negative outcome. I am over being hurt by those I have emptied my cup for and if I can prevent experiencing that pain ever again, I will do so at all costs. My therapist informed me that I am in fact, not in control at all. *lol* After about 10 seconds of pondering on that, he was absolutely correct. In our minds, we tend to believe that we can create an outcome much better than the creator of all things, right? If you disagree with that, you're in denial and should consider joining me at Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. *lol* One could only hope to possess the power of our creator. I'd absolutely love to think that my ways are better than His but let’s face it, that is just not my reality.

The thought of releasing control of a situation that you probably have no control over to begin with, seems extremely daunting. The unknown of any situation is incredibly scary, especially for someone who already has spiraling thoughts. I've been slowly learning that if anything is distracting you from fulfilling the call that God has placed on your life, you should release it. Unless you have the perfect ability to hand things over and trust God to do what's best, then the thought of releasing that particular thing or situation probably gives you instant anxiety or places you into a state of fear and panic. I know because I live it. Is the thought of releasing control of something in your life causing your faith to waver also? If you answered yes, please know that you’re not alone. If you answered no, I applaud you and hope to someday have your willpower. I believe that relying solely on faith is one of God’s many ways of testing us during our most difficult trials. He desires that we trust Him even when we have no capability of knowing what lies ahead. If you're anything like me, you may always want to prepare for the worst and/or get ahead of the obstacle before the obstacle gets ahead of you. I am being perfectly honest when I say the thought of letting down my guard and trusting God to do what’s best for me is extremely frightening and I’d be willing to bet that I am not alone in having that fear.

During my deepest and most debilitating bouts of depression, He was there. Even if I wasn't able to detect His presence in those moments, I am now certain that He was constantly surrounding me. I am certain because I’m here sharing these words with you in hopes of reaching anyone else who may be experiencing the same or similar situation. Hebrews 13:5 tells us that God will never leave nor forsake us. Someone who will never abandon me? That's always been difficult for me to accept as true. It is extremely easy to forget or disregard this promise when we are lying in the depths of despair ruminating in the thoughts of what seems like no way out. In moments when our lives are thriving, believing the truths of God's promises is effortless. What happens when our lives turn from thriving to turmoil? It's no longer painless and perhaps a time when you're not thankful for much of anything. Many times, I’ve doubted His words simply because I didn’t feel His presence or see happening in my life, what He said to be true. When I reflect on my journey from childhood to the present moment, each time it shows me just how much He was in fact there despite whether I felt His presence or not. The fact that I can share my thoughts with you is proof that He was there all along. He has always been there. He will always be there. He promises to never leave me nor forsake me and He will never leave you nor forsake you either.

Recently, I learned that Satan is not capable of knowing our thoughts and we must verbally speak God’s word over our lives and circumstances. God's words are a reminder to Satan of the one who has been and will always be in control. Learning this was such a pleasant surprise. Possessing the power to infuriate and agitate Satan to his core is quite satisfying if I am being completely honest. I am by no means a vindictive person, although, reciprocating his torment is my pleasure. If I were asked to choose my best qualities besides my baby blues, being one who is tenacious and relentless would likely follow. Regardless of how many times I have felt defeated by my mental health hurdles or other difficult issues in life, there is one thing that's certain. I always persevere.

My mom's character taught me at a very young age to be a woman that never gives up. Despite the trials she has been handed, she’s always faced them with strength and courage. She taught me something early on that I will forever live by. In any instance where someone had hurt me, she would always offer the same words and seemed to never get tired of repeating herself. Her advice was to continue living my life, be a good person, and do the right things. She ensured me that the person who had hurt me would have to answer for their actions and that I would be rewarded in the long run. As angry as I was in those painful moments, those words of advice never failed. Though I didn’t know or see it at the moment, following her lead was me relying on only faith and trust alone. I have never fully surrendered to my mental illness even though there have been many times when I've very much had the urge to. If there is any one thing that Satan despises about me, it's most likely my extreme stubbornness. I have been provided with a fighting spirit and it comes from no strength of my own. Ephesians 2:10 says that I was created with a purpose, and I am beyond eager to see what beauty will emerge from the ashes of my life.

While being devoured by some of my darkest bouts of depression, there are two specific pieces of scripture that I remember constantly repeating. I'd recite them silently in my head or quietly enough that only God could hear me. These pieces of scripture were without a doubt the words that helped me navigate through what seemed like infinite days and nights. When anxiety and panic attacks wreaked havoc on my soul, Isaiah 41:10 is what calmed my chaos. His promise says, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Upheld?! That is exactly what I needed, and He knew it. Depression and panic attacks have consumed my soul for more of my life than not. When I say “consumed” as if it were past tense, that doesn’t insinuate that I am free of depression or that it’s still not present in my life. It is very much still present, but He has provided me with medication and a life-saving therapist that helps stabilize me.

Psalm 34:18 has become embedded in my mind and a piece of scripture that I lean on frequently. It has become a staple in my life alongside Isaiah 41:10 which may be one of my favorite promises in the Bible. It says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He has never lied about that and has always remained close to me whether I felt it or not. In those moments, I needed closeness and someone who held my heart and mind with genuine love. Amid hopelessness, loneliness, and feeling unloved, I had to convince myself that His words were true because our God isn’t a God of lies. Satan is the deceiver of our minds, and He is in fact the liar. It is up to us to gather just enough strength to reach out to the one who loves us most. He patiently waits for us to come to Him. We are to go to God with honesty and ask Him for exactly what we need. I would repeatedly ask Him to provide me with the ability to trust in Him and give me the strength to fight through another day. Those requests haven't changed. He doesn’t require us to have an abundance of faith and for that I am grateful. He's well aware that requiring anything of me in a large amount is just a recipe for disaster, also known as, a nervous breakdown. *lol* When I say He doesn’t require an abundance of faith, then just how much faith does He ask of us?

When my mental health was so-so, it was so-so. When my mental health was off the charts, it was off the charts. Small tasks that most would consider easy, were beyond difficult for me. A happy medium was non-existent in my brain. Depression and panic attacks were dreadful to my spirit, and I had zero desire to escape or conquer either one. I know that my mom had been drowned in hopelessness when it came to my mental health. How do you take solace in seeing your child sit on her bed in tears, muttering the words, "I'd rather die than live another day like this." I recall my mom constantly saying that she just wished there was something more she could do to help me feel better and that she hoped doctors would get me straightened out sooner than later. As time passed, instead of saying those things, she began saying something similar to, “You will get better, you just need to have faith.” Ummm, how?! Why would or how could I even want to fully trust God when He had already let me suffer for so long? As far as I was concerned, there was nothing that could come from having any faith at that point. All I had to look forward to was just another prescription being shoved my way and taking a gamble as to whether it would even help.

After my mom mentioned that I just needed to have faith, she proceeded to tell me how the Bible says if we have faith only the size of a mustard seed, that nothing is impossible. Nothing? I highly doubted that in my state of mind. I had never heard of the mustard seed reference, so I had no idea what she was even referring to. In typical Alicia fashion, I began my investigation. I wouldn’t be satisfied until I had an exact understanding and even then, I would probably still have questions. That’s just how my curious mind works, unfortunately. If I’m being quite honest, I wasn’t even certain as to what a mustard seed was, much less its size. Were those the little round things that my Nan used to put in her homemade bread and butter pickles? That was my first and best guess. I Google searched the piece of scripture that my mom had referenced and many images appeared. I'd assume at this point you're aware of just how small a mustard seed is. Amazing, huh? He is truly saying we only need the faith of such a small size for anything to be possible?! Bet! I’ve always loved a challenge.

At one point, I think I may have even searched the exact definition of faith just to be certain I had all of this correct. Faith is described as “confidence or trust in a person or thing” or “belief that is not based on proof”. That was great and all, but there was one small problem. I had no issue with my belief in God, but when it came to completely trusting Him or having confidence that He could do the impossible, I admit that I was not spectacular in that area. Not even in the least. How was I expected to completely trust or have confidence in a God who loved me so much, yet allowed in my life, nothing but pain? But hey, if the size of that seed was all the faith He requested of me, I would attempt to meet Him halfway. I surely wasn’t able to offer much beyond the size of that tiny seed in that mental state.

As days, weeks, months, and years passed, regardless of how much my mental health declined, I’d revert to the image of that little seed and remind myself of God’s promise. Matthew 17:20 says, “If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains, and nothing shall be impossible for you.” In every passing moment, I was and am still grateful that He asks my faith to be only the size of that little seed. In those darkest moments, I barely had it in me. Some days I still don't. The one thing I did have though, was the determination to hold God to His word. I have become quite the master at holding Him accountable to His word. If He has ever gotten annoyed with any three words from me, I’d be willing to bet they are, “God, You promised.”

After learning of this, it became essential in my life, and I will forever be indebted to my mom for teaching me one of God’s small promises that I had known as non-existent. What may have taken 30 seconds of my mom's life, has forever saved mine. My faith may waver, but my God continues to steady me in my trials and suffering. Painless and/or easy will never be two words that I’m able to use when describing my battles with mental illness. Each time I would lean on God’s promise, not only did my trust and confidence in Him grow, but I grew also. He was proving Himself to be faithful just as He had said.

I know for certain that many surrounding me have been and are still wrestling with their faith since the suicide of my nephew and most recently the death of his uncle at the hands of addiction. You are not alone in this warfare. Trust me when I say that I stand alongside you in this battle.

“Give Me Faith” was chosen as the title for this blog entry simply because I need Him to do just that, and I am not afraid to admit it. It’s perfectly okay if you need to request that He provide you with faith also. A wavering faith doesn’t cause our God to love us any less. He wants to steady you. He wants to steady me. Don’t believe the lies of the enemy. Satan wants you to doubt and believe that you are not worthy enough to hold God to His promises. I say these next words often and will continue to do so. Hold Him accountable to His words, for He wants you to. He wants us to challenge Him so that He’s able to prove just how much He loves us.

Are you ready to gather and present to Him your mustard seed size faith? If you’re unable to gather it on your own, ask Him for help in gathering just enough to offer. Don’t be afraid to tell Him your needs, for He’s already well aware. In a TD Jakes sermon, he said something similar to, “God knows the single hair that caused the tangle in your hairbrush, and you think He doesn’t know other things about you?” You already know I cackled at that and it really opened my eyes to times when I question things.

If there’s anything I’ve learned in my journey as a Christian, it’s that our Father craves for us to reach out to Him. Even if you think you’re unworthy due to a lack of faith or any other reason, have the courage and determination to do it even more. Satan is a liar and any doubts you have of yourself only come from the enemy. If you’re at a point in your sadness where you have no strength to even pray, do just as I did. “God, You promised.” The Bible says that the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. Your heart and thoughts are not exempt from that, and neither are mine. Trust that your words and thoughts will reach Him, for they always do.

One of my favorite songs (which I’ve included in this post) says, "Give me faith to trust what You say, that You're good and Your love is great, I'm broken inside, I give You my life". As I continuously basked in the presence of this song, I slowly began to return to life. I wasn't aware that I had lost faith, that my heart needed softened, or that I needed broken apart and cleansed. What I did know is that I was certainly broken inside and needed to give Him my life over and over and over again. Approximately 70 x 7 times. I had viewed my Heavenly Father as I had viewed every other male figure in my life, and I was certain He viewed me in the same ways they had. I felt unworthy, unloved, and disposable in His eyes. What a misconception. I owe my therapist all glory for teaching me otherwise. Do you know how many times I had to repeat those lyrics until I was able to accept that I could trust what He says, that He was good, and that His love is great? Infinite times.

(Sidenote: I was getting ready to publish this on my website, but for some reason added everything beyond the lyrics in the paragraph above. It is not something that had even crossed my mind this past month or that I had thought about adding to this entry, so hopefully it was meant to be placed there for someone special.)

Right now, I am weak, but I know that He is strong. I very much struggle with surrendering all things and letting go of what I may think is in my control. It's a struggle because my faith is wavering, and I need Him to steady me. I want and need to fully trust the one who loves me most, in all things. Not just some, but all. I yearn to be secure in knowing that He will work all things together for my good regardless of my inability to see what lies ahead of me. Above all, I need strength, courage, and confidence to get there and just maybe you do too.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you

have received it, and it will be yours." - Mark 11:24