Every Giant Must Come Down

"All David had was faith and a rock...and he defeated a giant. All you need is faith in The Rock to defeat yours." - Unknown

Well, I made it. It’s 2024. Last year was hell along with 2022. 

For those of you who are new here, in 2022, I lost my nephew whom I loved and still love in unimaginable ways, to suicide. 

In 2023, I lost hope in a lot of things including my purpose in this life and what God has called me to do. It’s easy to lose hope when you’ve experienced such a significant loss and until you’ve been there yourself, you will never fully understand. 

You see, Stevie didn’t just die once. For me, he died the moment I got the phone call on October 24th at 11:29pm; he died every time we received negative news directly after we were hopeful; he died on October 31st at 5:26am, and he died again the last time I saw his lifeless body in his casket. To you, that may seem absolutely absurd, but to me it was reality. 

I’m kind of speechless and writing this is even difficult. It’s hard to find the words and to even make it make sense. Last year was a very trying year for me and many days, I truly didn’t care if I woke up. But I did. For Stevie. I mentally was not “here” in 2023. 

I forced myself to pray, to read my Bible, to worship, to go to church, and to be around Godly people who could love me through it. All of it. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s easy to assume by things I write or post that I’m strong and full of faith but that isn’t always true. Oftentimes, things I write and share are how I wish I could feel. Strong. Full of faith. Able to fully rely on God without doubt. Someone who never questions God. You know…the typical assumptions non-Christians have about Christians. It’s unfortunately just not that easy. 

I always pray for God to give me the words and the message that He wants conveyed in my blog entries so this is for someone. I believe it wholeheartedly. Are you someone who loves Jesus but feels weak? Is your faith wavering? Do you question Gods purpose in the heartache? Does doubt creep in amidst the trials? Do you have trouble giving up control and fully trusting Him? Is that you? Me too. We are human and God knew we’d feel this way long before we knew ourselves. It’s okay, I promise. As my therapist says, “It’s okay to get stuck, just don’t stay there.” 

This past year, I have found myself uncertain, defeated, sad, infuriated, lost, and questioning every aspect of my life. I’ve spent countless days and nights living in fear of losing someone else that I love. Just waiting for another phone call and rarely sleeping with my phone on silent in fear of "missing the emergency”. 

My phone was on silent the night Stevie took his own life and I missed the first call. For a while now, I’ve attempted to figure out why I wish I had seen and answered the first call in time. At this exact moment, I know why. Perhaps if I had answered the first call, I would’ve gotten the news before my sister, Stevie’s mom. Just maybe the devastation, chaos, and horrific pain could’ve hit me first and lessened it for her. I just wanted to take her pain away that night. I still do...and I have every day since. I’ll never know the order of the calls that night but ultimately I don’t think the news hitting me first would’ve taken away an ounce of pain from anyone else. Ever. Please hold while I wipe these tears. 

Much of 2023 is a blur and I never want to go back there. All challenges in life were intensified by a million because of the weight of grief. It was an extremely difficult year to say the least and I don’t know if I’ve ever cried as much in my 35 years prior, as I did this past year. I often say I don’t know how I’ve made it through but ultimately, I know how I’ve made it. The one who is closer than my breath. He who gathers all of my tears and puts them in His bottle. The one who weeps with me. The one who fights for me. 

As the one-year anniversary of Stevie’s death grew closer, I could feel myself drowning. I slowly quit answering phone calls and texts, I began isolating, and over-eating. Attending church went from weekly, to bi-weekly, to monthly, then became non-existent. Reading my Bible, praying, and listening to worship music faded. My mental health was plummeting, and I truly didn’t care. Panic attacks began to wreak havoc once again, and I didn’t care if I ever left my bed. Some days, I still don’t. One thing I’ve never quit doing though is being honest about the way I feel and I’ve continued to thank God regardless of my despair. 

I’ve continued to thank Him every single day because He continues to fight for me day, after day, after day. Even when I feel like He is silent and has placed me on the sidelines, I still thank Him because those thoughts are simply that. Thoughts. Our thoughts are not always true, especially when it’s concerning God's love for us. 

On December 21st, I finally worked up the courage to turn on some worship music. I didn’t want to, but I needed to. Throughout the random station, a song came on that I hadn’t yet heard. Truthfully, I hadn’t even heard of One House Worship until then. Playing the song on repeat, I was reminded of why I continue to thank God daily even when I don’t feel His presence. Each time I listened…and still listen to this song, I look back over my life and see how Gods hands were in every single season. He has in fact, not left me on the sidelines. He hasn’t left you either regardless of how much it may feel that way. If God has never stopped fighting for me thus far, why would He ever stop now?! 

2024 is a new year. Another chance to run back to the Father. The one constant in my life who is madly in love with me. I’ll put down the armor that doesn’t fit. In fear, I’ll let faith stand and I will not quit. I’ll let You fight for me. You never lost one battle. You never lost, You won't start now. I will win this battle. Every giant must come down. 

Heavenly Father, I declare that in 2024, giants will fall in innumerable amounts. I pray that every eye and ear that may see or hear this blog entry be touched. Lord, cast from every mind all lies from the enemy. Show us to what extent in the battle you're willing to go. I pray that our minds be cleansed from Satan's torment and that we experience the peace only You can offer. Be with the grieving and let them see how close you are just as you have shown me. Let them know they aren’t exempt from your love. Your love covers all of us even when it's difficult to feel. You continue fighting while we are at rest and I love you for that. We weaken and become frail but you never do. Remove every thought of suicide from each mind it may come across. Shatter every single thought laid upon the mind that may convince us that we are not worthy of living or better off dead. Father, I pray that I see giants fall this year. The giants that I see as impossible to defeat. You know them all by name. Even the ones I have yet to encounter. I pray these things not only for myself, but for all whom I love. Show them who You are! It’s not about who we are, but who You are. Make yourself apparent. Equip us with the sling and stone, yet also let us know when to rest. Lastly God, I ask that you please walk alongside me as I fulfill my promise to Stevie. Use me for your glory and to reach the generations to come. Let them know how precious they are to you and how much you love them, just as you have shown me. I love you and thank you for everything you have done and all that you're doing and will continue to do in my life.

And in Jesus' name, we all said… Amen ♥️ 

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” - Deuteronomy 31:8