Peace. Sweet Peace.

"The devil wouldn't be attacking you so hard if there wasn't something valuable in you. Thieves don't break into empty houses." - Matthew McConaughey

I don’t know where to begin and my mind has been quite a mess. It’s so hard to find the words even after asking God for help. I can’t escape my head most days lately and my hours have been surrounded with panic. Satan loves to torment the ones who are on the verge of drawing others to Gods kingdom and I’m confident in that assumption.

Isolation has been my hobby recently and I seem too anxious to even be content with that. I have anxiety about my anxiety, and I despise it. I haven't wanted to leave my house and I’m sure the enemy isn’t upset about that. Why would he be? Once again, He’s had me right where He wants me…but so does God.

Today is much better but my anxiety and panic attacks sometimes become debilitating, so much that I don’t want to get out of bed, drive, or go anywhere outside of my house for that matter. This is not new to me and honestly, I’m thankful for that. I’m thankful that it’s not new because now, I know there’s help (and hope), even when I feel helpless and finding peace feels hopeless.

My panic attacks began around the age of 16 and have come and gone countless seasons since. Some seasons of life are bearable with medication then there are times where my panic disorder is hard to touch. I’d much rather live my life completely without fear, but it’s inevitable for some of us. Once you’ve experienced this, it’s difficult to not have anxiety at the thought of future anxiety and/or panic attacks. That’s what I mean when I say, I have anxiety about my anxiety. It’s a vicious cycle that the enemy will use to control you for life if you allow him to.

I became a professional at allowing the enemy to attack my mind, just knowing there was no way out. Lies. Lies are from the enemy. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” Truth. Truths are from our Heavenly Father. Believing the truth of Gods word is virtually impossible when your mind is consumed by the lies of Satan. His strength is unimaginable but so is Gods and for that, my heart is grateful. Isolation becomes easy when Satan makes us feel as if we aren’t good enough, that we will never measure up, and as if we will never escape our chaotic mind. His lies convince us that we may very well lose our minds and that freedom is impossible. He creates pathways in our brains where spiraling thoughts ruminate. We may eventually feel that we are better off non-existent, and that God doesn’t love people “like us”. Are you someone who has believed these lies? Me too. Sometimes I still do.

In the past, I’d allow the lies of the enemy to devour me because I was unaware just how much God loved me. Satans conniving tactics overpowered any rational thoughts that my mind had left. I had no outlets besides food. I was afraid. I was alone inside my own head. I felt hopeless. Some days, these all still apply. But God. He continues to walk ahead of me as we approach the front lines of the battlefield. With His arms stretched out, He guards me as a father would so that no weapon formed against me shall prosper. The fiery arrows cannot touch me. When the terrors of the night set in, I feel His angels all around me. I rest underneath the shelter of His mighty wings and it's there where I find hope in His promises.

The enemy doesn’t want me in church, around Gods people, or doing Gods work for that matter. He knows God has great plans for my life and is going to use me for His glory and nothing terrifies Satan more. The sad reality is some people in this exact battle may not know Gods love for them and that Satan is an amazing manipulator. One whose lies can be so easily believed. If the enemy is sly enough to appear as a serpent, imagine what other lengths he will go. He’s a narcissist and that’s not easily recognizable to those who have been surrounded by narcissistic behavior for most of their lives. It’s an easily accessible door into our minds that we aren’t able to hide behind. The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy and he’s out to accomplish mission.

Thoughts not of love, are not from God. I’ve had to retrain my brain to believe those words and I have to constantly remind myself of that truth. Our God is a God of peace. He’s not a God of fear, anxiety, depression, and chaos. When the enemy attacks, I will revisit the quote at the beginning of the entry. Thieves don’t break into empty houses. A thief only wants what is of value. That’s me. That’s you. A quote by Charles Spurgeon says, “Consider how precious a soul must be, when both God and the devil are after it.” Consider it. Precious am I. Precious are you.

Lately, when I wake in the night and my thoughts are never ending, my heart rate skyrockets, and I feel the enemy surrounding me, I continuously sing this song in my head. I imagine myself crawling up on the lap of Jesus and laying my head on his chest as he wraps His arms around me. At that moment, I feel PEACE. Peace…Holds me when I'm broken. Sweet peace…that passes understanding. When the whole wide world is crashing down, I fall to my knees…and breathe in your peace. I remember who You are…You're the God who's never far…So I will not be afraid…God, You always, You always keep me safe. ♥️

“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” - Numbers 6:24-26