Let's End the Stigma of Brain Health Medications

"Part of the underlying stigma is the silence; the silence that allows the muting of conversations surrounding practices grounded in mental health treatment." - Joel L. Daniels

TRIGGER WARNING: This blog entry does speak of Suicide (not pertaining to myself). If this is a trigger for you, please read at your own discretion.

Since learning of my different diagnoses that I mentioned in my first blog post, medication management has still been very difficult. Before being diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder in 2019, I had always been diagnosed with and treated for only Depression and Anxiety. I had tried a multitude of medications to no avail which only targeted Depression and Anxiety. These medications were simply like a band-aid and helped the symptoms some but didn’t do much of anything when it came to constantly feeling as if I were on an emotional roller coaster.

It wasn’t until I met my current psychiatric physician that I learned what I was truly experiencing was Bipolar II Disorder or Bipolar Depression. Once learning this, finding a medication that helped has truly been trial and error just as with treating any other mental health disorder. I tried an array of medications including Vraylar, Abilify, and Latuda. I took Latuda for about two years or so, but I could no longer tolerate feeling emotionless and tired 99% of the time. For anyone who knows me personally, I love to laugh and always joke around. On Latuda, those things were non-existent. So, I was back to square one.

After much research (everyone knows how much I love to research *lol*), I finally gave in to my fears and tried Lamictal. I was very skeptical of even considering this medication due to the possibility of getting Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. I had already tried to avoid trying it at all costs for this very reason. However, at this point, I practically felt as if I were at a dead end with all remaining mood-stabilizing medications due to their side effects…mostly weight gain which was my major concern. In my mind, Lamictal was my last hope. So, I tried it. Facing my fear of starting this medication was so difficult and I honestly don’t think I slept much at all that night because I was too concerned about getting the Lamictal rash and dying (I don’t have anxiety at all *lol*). I will be forever thankful for taking that leap of faith. Lamictal has brought me out of one of the worst bouts of depression that I have ever been in.

I truly do understand that medication trials are mentally and physically exhausting. It affects every aspect of your life and anyone who has never been through medication trial after medication trial will never truly understand what you go through. As stated in my last blog, I have tried approximately 30 mental health medications since I was in my late teens. I have felt bad more of my life than I can say that I have felt good, simply due to experimenting with so many medications. Some people are very lucky and benefit from the first medication that they try, then some people are like me and consider it torture. On the days that I feel extremely unwell from this, I always try to do what my body suggests. Most of the time that consists of resting my mind, texting or talking to the people closest to me, going to my weekly therapy appointment to talk to one of my favorite people in this world, and spending lots of time with my dog, Max. My advice to you is, if you try a medication and it doesn't make you feel better, you can always stop taking it under your physician's care. No one is going to hold you down and force you to swallow another pill. You always have an option as to what you choose to put into your body.

Covid happening is another thing that has not helped matters in the least and I am certain that many people would agree with that. Covid caused my depression to spiral out of control. Living alone and not having the ability to be around practically anyone was the loneliest feeling I have ever felt and dealt with in my life. I was to a point where I said many times that I would rather die and go to Heaven than feel that loneliness and sadness for another moment. I have never really struggled with suicidal ideations, Thank God. I am actually terrified of death, and I do not think that I would ever have the courage to hurt myself. I have, however, struggled with having thoughts of wishing I would go to sleep and not wake up. This thought is primarily so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain and constant thoughts about my mental health anymore. I was open and honest with my physicians and therapist about this and learned that this feeling is actually very common in people who have mental health issues and is considered a symptom of various mental health conditions. The image of Heaven where my mind has no more depression, anxiety, constant fluctuations in moods, fear, worry, exhaustion…you get the idea, is a place that I wish existed in this physical world.

I know for certain that people often get angry when a loved one commits suicide, which is a common reaction for those of us who are left behind. I will be honest with you, as someone who struggles with mental health issues, no single person on this earth truly “wants” to die. At least no one that I've yet to encounter. No one commits suicide or attempts to commit suicide because they don’t want to live any longer. People commit suicide because they don’t want to deal with the pain and feeling of hopelessness any longer, so they see that option as the only way out. I used to think that suicide was so selfish, however, after being on this side of the fence, I truly do understand their heart and mind. I, as well as many others, lost a great friend/brother to suicide in 2018 (Jeremy, whom my “In Loving Memory” page is dedicated to). Feeling heartbroken when I learned of his death is an understatement and my tears seemed never-ending. Jeremy was a precious soul and had confided in me in previous years about his own mental health struggles. I wholeheartedly believe that he only confided in me because I told him about my journey and struggles with my mental health first. Because I knew his struggles and the pain that they caused him, I could not be angry at him for taking his own life. I tried to be angry with him and I couldn't be. The only thing that I could be angry about is that depression won and ultimately ended my friend's life. While others were angry, in my heart, I was content that he was no longer sad and finally at peace. Was it devastating? Absolutely. Do I miss him immensely? Yes, more than words could fathom. But I cannot let myself be angry at him. I am angry at depression. I, among many others, feel the pain of depression and I'm sure we all understand the feeling of just wanting it to go away.

With myself also being diagnosed with OCD, Anxiety/Panic Disorder, PTSD, and ADHD, I have been trying to process that just taking one or two medications may not help every single issue that I have. In my mind, the less medication that I have to take, is the healthier that I am mentally. Society has made it seem as "if you need a mental health medication, you’re considered crazy or weak and unable to deal with life". And if you need multiple mental health medications, you have completely surpassed the highest level of crazy that exists. I know for certain that people think this way because judgmental people often speak wrongly about things that they are uneducated about. And of course, I listen, while trying not to go absolutely berserk.

Since about October 2021, I have been having debilitating anxiety and panic attacks again that practically no medication will touch. Living with obsessive and intrusive thoughts (OCD) does not help a person with anxiety either. So, on top of Bipolar II Disorder, I also have anxiety and panic attacks, as well as constant obsessive and intrusive thoughts that also need treatment. Around the past 5 months, I have tried every SSRI available, which only made me feel worse. Now, I am attempting to try Clomipramine again for a second time. So far, it seems to be lessening the obsessive and intrusive thoughts, but….the anxiety and panic attacks are still relentless. I have decided to add Trintellix back to my regimen, which is the only medication that greatly improved my anxiety and panic attacks in the past. Let's go ahead and add my ADHD medication to that mix as well. Now that, my friends, truly defines exhausting. *lol*

In the past, and even today, I highly struggle with accepting that there is no “one drug fits all” medication. I have let society distort my thinking into believing that if you need more than one medication, then you are beyond a level of insanity that you are never coming back from. I am learning that nothing could be further from the truth. My psych doctor and therapist have both told me that I cannot continue thinking, “Number of Medications = Degree of Mental Sickness”. After talking with my therapist, who made a great point, I am determined to change my perspective on this. He asked me, “Would you use that same comparison for someone who is physically ill?” My brain immediately responded to myself, "Of course I wouldn’t! I’d say to take as many medications as you need in order to feel better or to be well." My issue is, trying to understand why I can't have that same philosophy when it comes to viewing myself. If one of my loved ones needed multiple mental health medications, I would be 100% supportive of their needs.

Unfortunately, there is probably not a “one drug fits all” medication that will wipe out Bipolar II Disorder, ADHD, PTSD, OCD, and Anxiety/Panic Disorder all at once. That is wishful thinking! If that medication is ever created by scientists, I will be first in line for the distribution of it! For myself, or anyone else, to think that one medication can target all of those issues, is a completely asinine thought. After today, I will no longer let society determine my degree of mental sickness based on how many medications I need to take in order for my brain to function properly. Brain health is no different from any other ailment in the human body and it deserves just as much recognition, love, and attention as any other medical condition needing treatment. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

“In very broad strokes, God offers medicine to us as a way for us to have healing, to overcome illness, to overcome infirmity and pain—all loving and kind things for him to do for us. All the medicines we have, and all knowledge is from him. Those are ways for him to express his care for us. Medicine is a common means of God's kindness, not only in that it allows us to have this avenue of healing and to be an instrument of his mercy, but because it also prompts us to pause and to love one another and to remember who it was that loved us first.” - Kathryn Butler, MD