Oh, The Overwhelming, Never-Ending, Reckless Love of God

“What cannot be said will be wept.” - Sappho

I’ve been praying for God to lead me when it comes to what I should write my blog entries about because He is the only One who truly knows what others need. Today I sat down for about an hour and began to write my 3rd blog entry. In typical ADHD fashion, I told myself that I had to get up and make the buffalo chicken dip that I promised my friend a few days ago. Yes, I’m a procrastinator when it comes to most things, and I'll gladly admit that. I’d like to think that I work better under pressure. At least I’ll tell myself that anyway. *lol* Anyhow, the blog that I began to write is totally not this blog. I guess God had other plans.

As I was getting all of my ingredients prepared for my dip, I figured that I’d just play some worship music, as my sister told me to do this as a reminder to Satan that he has no authority over my mind. Putting on worship music is legit the last thing that I wanted to do today. It’s just depressing and makes me sad and quite frankly, I'm pretty much over that life at this point. Plus, when I'm sad, it makes me cry...and I'm over that also. Then again, maybe it just makes me sad, and not depressed. But why? I’m not going to lie, I wanted to turn it off before the first song was even over. I can already see my therapist shaking his head as he reads this. He is so used to hearing me say that I don't want to do this, and I don't want to do that...but I end up doing whatever it is that I don't want to do anyway. Apparently, at the time you don't want to do something the most, is exactly when you need to do it. For instance, being at therapy every Wednesday at 4:00pm sharp and as I leave, hearing the infamous words, "I'll see you next week and you better be here!" Or else! Just kidding, he doesn't say that last part! *lol*

As many now know, I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember but there have been many seasons (and when I say seasons, I mean years at a time) where I felt as if I’d never crawl out of this place that I go to. As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, Covid has been especially hard on me due to living alone and not being able to see much of anyone. Thank God for text messaging and FaceTime. When you struggle with mental health issues, you need most to be around others who lift your spirits and remind you that you’re loved. Covid led me to a place where I’ve often wanted to isolate myself and never leave my house unless it was for something absolutely necessary. By necessary, I mean therapy. *lol* I can probably count on one hand, maybe one and a half, how many times I’ve gone to church since the beginning of Covid. Lighthouse of Hope is the one place that I miss the most.

Over time I could feel myself drifting further and further away from God and falling deeper into a deep depression. Following that, my anxiety has come back full force and is the worst that it has been in years. Since October 2021, I have tried around five medications for anxiety and intrusive thoughts, and unfortunately, nothing has helped. If anything, it has made me feel worse. I finally asked my doctor if I could try a medication that I remembered previously helped me. She agreed. At this point, what could it possibly hurt?! I started the medication last week and I am praying that it helps. Yesterday is the first time in months that I have gone out and didn’t have to take an “emergency” anxiety medication to not feel completely overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. Anytime that I've gone anywhere, I have only been playing worship music, even if it is faintly. Some days I just can’t stand the least little noise at all. I’ve only turned my television on about five times since October. This is simply because I don't want to hear the noise and I don't want to take a chance on hearing or seeing anything that triggers my anxiety or depression...so it’s just easier to not watch anything on tv at all. Though I hate to admit it, this is how I've been feeling about worship music also.

As I was putting the buffalo chicken dip in the oven, I thought, "Why do these songs make me sad when they are supposed to do the opposite?" I sat down on the couch and texted one of my friends who is a Christian also. I told her how I was feeling and asked her if she ever feels this way. She agreed that she feels the same way at times which did make me feel not so alone. We started talking about why we think that we felt this way and of course inquiring minds (Me, I’m inquiring minds... *lol*) had to get online and attempt to find out if others also feel this way and if so, why? Low and behold, others feel the same.

Reading multiple articles, one of the first reasons mentioned for not wanting to worship, is Guilt. The type of guilt, I guess, depends on the person. That's when my guilt hit me. I have always felt much guilt and still feel guilty when straying away from God, as well as, not trusting Him as much as I should. As Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” I have always been one who tries to handle all of my problems on my own and I despise asking anyone for help. It wasn’t until some much-needed time in therapy that I learned that it’s perfectly okay to ask for help and that we will all need help at many points in our lives. Unfortunately, that's inevitable. I am someone who would rather struggle alone than become a burden on someone else. I still have a hard time with that, even when it comes to asking God for help. I often feel that I am a burden to Him, and I fear that He gets disappointed when I don’t trust Him as I should.

Next, is Godly Sorrow. When I think of things I’ve done wrong in the past, I become regretful and displeased with myself. However, God doesn’t see me this way, and oftentimes, I forget that. Knowing the things that Jesus endured to wipe away our sins breaks my heart immensely. Oftentimes, I feel so unworthy of His love. I can’t even understand in my mind how He could love and forgive me when I’ve failed Him over, and over, and over again. Many worship songs depict His love for us and to think of a love that we cannot even fathom is so overwhelming. It is almost like a form of sadness. Like most human beings, I try to avoid sadness at all costs. I’ve experienced enough of it in my lifetime, and I wouldn’t complain if I were to never experience it again. Then again, I need to remember, at the time you don't want to do something the most, is exactly when you need to do it.

Though I’m sure most of you have your own reasons for feeling sad during worship, one of the last reasons I will talk to you about is, Deep Anguish. More than not, I am often overwhelmed by difficulties in my life, especially my mental health challenges. I feel as if mental illness is a battle that is never-ending, and it becomes very daunting. Every day I question why God gives me this burden to carry. I know that He sees the heartache and pain that it causes not only me but also those who care about me. When I think that no one else understands what I’m going through, I have to remind myself that God does. Imagine how much you love and care about your own children and/or pets and the way that you feel when you see them hurting. The love that you feel is probably infinitely more than you can even put into words. I can’t even describe to you the adoration and love that I have for my doggy, Max. Though I get upset with him at times, I love him more and more with each passing moment. To comprehend God’s love for you and me is totally impossible and I’ve learned that we often try to compare God’s love for us to our earthly father’s love. Regardless of your situation with your father, there is no comparison to God's love. Most praise and worship songs let us know that we are not alone, that He loves us, and that we can call out to Him for any of our needs. More than not, I tend to forget this. Attempting to wrap my head around the fact that a love such as this even exists, is unimaginable. The thankfulness in my heart becomes overwhelming and that is where my sadness overflows.

While writing this entire entry, one song continued to play over and over in my mind. The song is “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury. I will attach the live version below, as he tells a story midway through the song which I feel everyone needs to hear. These lyrics apply to every person who exists, has existed, and will exist. Christians, as well as those who have yet to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. The fact that He chases me down, no matter how far away from Him that I may run, shows me only a portion of His love for me. There is absolutely no denying that He has chased me down EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. He left the 99 to find me and He will leave the 99 to find you!

How many people in your life do you know that would do just that? Wouldn’t it be great if everyone who loved us chased us down to save us from our own self-destruction? As I think back over my life, I cannot think of or name one single time during my 34 years on this earth that God didn’t chase me down. Approximately 99% of those times, I most definitely kept running. *lol* But, in all seriousness, I think we could all do a much better job with accepting His love for us. There's no shadow He won't light up, mountain He won't climb up, coming after you and me. There's no wall He won't kick down, lie He won't tear down, coming after you and me. I will forever be thankful for His overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love.

“Jesus leaving the 99 to find the 1 seems irrational and senseless until that 1 is you.” - Matthew 18:12-14